8 Twitter Lies We Tell

Hi! I’m still feelin’ bitchy!

 

Please to enjoy my PMS-fueled rage so my husband doesn’t have to!

 

And the top 8 Twitter lies we tell are:

 

1) I own a very large company.

Based in beautiful Alsip, Illinois, my very large company has global offices in the Land of Honalee, Bedrock, and Orbit City. I employ 30 invisible employees and offer them all one heckuva fake benefits package.

 

2) I am a life coach.

My life is all effed up, but I’m pretty sure I can straighten yours out.

 

3) I’m an author.

And it’s not a book I self published either.

 

Yes it is.

 

4) I am not on here trolling for chicks or dudes.

Can I DM you?

I’d like to talk to you more about how I’m not on here trolling for chicks or dudes.

I’ll need your cell number too.

And to know what you’re wearing.

 

5) I am the ambassador of kwan.

What I got to say can change your life. At least that’s what it says in my mind.

 

6) I can make you tons of money.

Just please first buy my self-published books on how I can make you tons of money.

 

You’re also going to need to purchase my DVD series and inspirational CD.

 

7) I win friends easily and influence people.

I will tell my 7,000 followers about your yogurt. And they will all believe I love your yogurt even though I twittered last week about a yogurt substitute.

 

8) I am not on here just to get free stuff.

Can you send me a box of your self-published books and a case of your yogurt?

You know, for research purposes.

 

Bonus:

My followers mean the world to me.

Of course I only tweet to the most popular bloggers because I am focused on world domination, but I will remember all the little people as beautiful rungs on my ladder.