I feel pretty safe in my new home. Unless the crickets mount a full offensive, I don’t think I’ve got any to worry about breaking-in-wise. This is really saying something, because I’m the girl who imagines nightmare scenarios of robbers jiggling the front door handle while I hop into the girls’ room, drag a heavy dresser in front of the door, and leave The Rock asleep in our bed. I sure hope he can defend himself because I always forget to wake him in my fake emergency evacuation plan.
Many times I’ve woken up at some ungodly hour, convinced a burglar roamed the kitchen, picking up knives from the butcher block and making his way up the stairs for The Rock (while I’m barricaded in the kids’ room frantically dialing 911). We even had a security system in our old place and still I worried. I’ve seen Die Hard, I know the bad guys can disengage an alarm with an xacto and some putty.
So it was to my pleasant surprise that I began to get better sleep in our new house and actually experienced a little something called REM.
Until last night.
So I’m sleeping soundly. Rapid eye movement and everything. I’m in the middle of a dream and all of a sudden-like, the sound of shouting and a window slam pulled me out of slumber. Next thing I know, my cell phone light pops on. No call, no email, no nothing. Just a light that signified nothing other than to alert of possible danger.
I listen for a few minutes, heart clicky clacking, then decide to peek over the stair railing. I don’t want to wake The Rock because he’s tired and needs sleep and we’re just getting over the days when I jolt him from bed with this eerie wail thing I do during nightmares. (Imagine the sound Edvard Munch’s The Scream might make if it had audio.)
I take my phone, which keeps illuminating strangely and without reason, and look down over the stairs. And there, down there below, I see shadows writhing across the carpet. SHADOWS for Lord’s sake! Do you know what the sight of shadows at 4AM do to a girl with hypochondriacal robber visions?
Let’s just say it’s ungood.
Still, I don’t want to wake The Rock. He’s going to need all is energy for robber fighting.
I watch a bit longer. Maybe The Rock left the TV on in the family room? That would be an explanation not involving knives. I’m gonna have to ask him. So after a few more minutes of watching black ribbons make their way across the hall, I softly call to The Rock.
“HONEY! HONEY! THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE!!!!!”
Also: “By the way, did you leave the TV on?”
He joins me, disgruntled, at the stair railing. He sees the shadows. I tell him about the shouting, the window, and the cell phone. He thinks it might be the paperboy. I silently laugh because paperboys do not kill people, like the guy who is downstairs right now.
The Rock then enters his office, which I thought was weird. This is no time to pay bills or surf the Internet, but he emerges seconds later with a hammer. And a Die Hard xacto knife.
He creeps downstairs with his paltry weapons and I sit at the top landing, waiting for the shout, whereupon I will run into the girls’ room, secure the door, and hope The Rock can hold the robbers off with his hammer.
Several minutes of searching later and there is no one downstairs. The Rock thinks my computer’s power light threw shadows onto the carpet, which I misread as maniacal shouting window-breakers. He then checks every room and closet, even the shower, because he knows I like it when he does that.
Our home has not been infiltrated. I breathe a sigh of relief and tell The Rock, “You know what the lesson is here?”
He waits expectantly, thinking I’m gonna say something like, “I should be less crazy,” and instead I say, “You’re going to need a bigger hammer.”
Also I think it would have been so funny if The Rock went downstairs and caught a big gaggle of crickets breaking down the door.
No! Funnier would be a giant cricket head just staring silently at him through the window.
I need to keep you and Laura separated. She said she saw a man wearing dark clothing in our yard last night. I was all, “Well, did he doing anything useful, like water the plants or clean the pool?” Laura: “Mom, the pool man wears shorts.”
Also?
If my blog goes dark all of a sudden?
Laura was not crying wolf.
I’m a lite sleeper. I wake at the littlest sound, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. My poor husband has to do the same things. I think when the boys get a little older, more past the stage where they used to show up at my bedside in the middle of the night, I’ll sleep more soundly.
Given your prior history (re: crazy ex-boyfriend) I think you are perfectly justified to feel a little jumpy at strange noises.
My mom and I heard strange noises one night and, convinced someone was breaking in through the basement, went downstairs armed with an iron and a baton (I was a twirler in my day). Burglars beware! I’m nothing if not creative in my weaponry.
I HAVE to have a security system wherever I live. I’ve been broken into while at home asleep and the only way I knew someone was in the house was becuase the alarm went off. I don’t really expect the alarm to DETER people but I want to know before someone is standing over me that they are there.
Ok, well I’m not really sure I helped you here or not probably made it worse.
Sorry…
My daughter wouldn’t go to sleep last week because “someone will steal”her. Rough night with a newborn too!! It was a definite transition from apartment to large house!!
Put old “man boots” at your back door. Proven deterrent :)
Hope he’s got himself a bigger hammer? Personally I’d suggest a lump hammer.
Waking up to a robber is almost as much fun as waking up and finding your house on fire. (Did that a year ago; we’ve survived — just.)
I can’t believe I forgot to warn you about the suburban shadow lurkers!–Jenn
Hilarious! We just wake up to earthquakes every morning….
I’ve been known to imagine dire break-ins as well as escape scenarios not involving my husband. I like to think this means we trust their manliness to help them survive…
Um, happy new home!
Meanwhile, we sleep like babies with nothing between us and Bad Guys but an unlocked screen door. But I don’t live in the suburbs.
I love how your mind works. I torment myself with “thoughts” at night too, especially when Chris is out of town. Chris’ weapons are as frightening as The Rock’s!
You’re funny, but I SO understand! Crisis averted!
Ahhh, life in the suburbs. Welcome you! The shadows and crickets will feel like home in no time.
You crack me up! I can laugh if I’m the exact same way … can’t I?
I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t post my “I can’t sleep and I’m freaking out” bit, huh? It was crazy weird. I think the meteor showers have messed with our bio rhythms. You’re sleeping, I’m not. On the other hand, there is something comforting about living in the City in the Country, no? (Oh, and the phone light turning on by itself? Always really bothers me because someone on the news once said it means your phone is bugged, but I think it’s just gremlins.)
“You’re going to need a bigger hammer.”
I don’t know why that made me laugh so hard, but my t shirt is spattered with Columbian roast…
Bless your heart…I used to be that way when I was a single mom with two young kids. Now I’m married to a man who came armed and has taught me to be armed, too. Although I still keep an axe by the bed.
I get up all the time and turn on the patio light to scare off whoever is on my hammock enjoying the night time breeze! Only I never see the guy! I only here when he “opens” the patio gate! Yikes! Our imaginations are powerful, no? And, btw, this is also one more reason why I LOVE you! Your writing is great and FUNNY! Thanks for the laugh! My period bloated self needed that today!
Hilarous! So glad The Rock didn’t need the hammer. And by the way, you’re not the only one suspicious of the insects. I’ve got a song for you, even. It’s called “Insects Rule” by Brendan Benson. You can listen to it here:
http://www.last.fm/music/Brendan+Benson/_/Insects+Rule.