Hi. I’m drunk. Sorry, but that’s just the way it’s gotta be until next Wednesday. Which is the day I board my plane to New York.
I tried to hard to vlog today because I’m pretty much unable to write, think, drive, eat, sleep these days and I really wanted you to see the depths of my depravity with your own eyes. I know I’ve said it countless times, but I’m undergoing a very anxious time right now, and it’s super turbo disruptive to my psyche and general personature. I couldn’t figure out vlogging by the way, which comes out in my head as “vee-log” — a sure indicator that my vlogging would be technically deficient. Also, I’m so sure you’re major sick of my flying phobia. But to keep everything on the up and up, I’ve just gotta share my freak-outedness. Because seriously, it’s overtaking everything. Sad, huh? Let’s not even discuss how I should get over it already. I’m really trying here, and above all, I’m resting on the fact that I’m going to be 40 soon, and life is way too short for me to not travel due to fear. So I’m going, but I’m about to crap my pants.
Anyway, I’m going to twit/tweet/twat my panic attack as I board my flight, so prepare to unfollow me or wish you’d never met me or whatever it is people do when they’re sick to death of hearing someone talk about the same thing over and over and over again.
Not helping matters is that my head is shrinking. For your information, my head has always run small. As has The Rock’s, which really sucks for our kids, whose skull circumferences measure below the 25th percentile of all humans everywhere. Due to my shrunken head, hats look weird on me, as do sunglasses and most clothes. So after spending an inordinate amount of time looking for a coat to bring to New York that won’t make me look like a weeble wobble head, I was quite disappointed to come home from shopping yesterday and have The Rock point out that my head disappeared amidst the new jacket’s lapels. That blew, because guess what? I’m not taking it back. I try so hard to be stylish, people. Why my head gotta ruin it for me?
In addition, my four-year-old daughter is getting way too smart for me. She says things like, “Mom, don’t talk right now. Your stories are so simple.” (I SWEAR TO GOD she said something along these lines. I can’t recall the exact verbiage, but “simple” was in there.) My anxiety and Toots’ wisecracks do not a good mix make, so I think I replied with something like, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Or another simple but robust outburst like that.
In other headline news, there is not enough Advil in the world for the hangovers I’m about to have this week. I know I have a small head, but still.
P.S. The Rock offered to proofread this post because I’m high on Chardonnay. Can you believe the gall? San Diego Momma is fines! She’s just freaking fines, and don’t needs no high and mighty proofreader. Dammit.
P.S. Why do all the Real Housewives of Atlanta look like trannies? I find this befuddling.
P.P.S. I already found 59 typos, but I corrected them, so The Rock will never know. Unless you tell him, you cheeky monkeys.
I hate flying too, but I bite my lip and get on that damn plane. You can do it.
Hah! I share your small headedness! I think my hat size is 6 1/4 or something. When I wear a hat I look like a mushroom.
Fear of 40? Don’t. Are you kidding? 40 is fine. 40 is great. I’d kill to be 40! I was gorgeous at 40! I came into my own at 40! Even 50 is great – 50 is the new 30. Or the new black. Or something like that.
it’s just at 54 and you realize those hairs are gonna keep sprouting on your upper lip, and that wrinkliness on your knees is here to stay that you….
Have another glass of chardonnay. And book an appointment at the Indian ladies’ beauty salon on Venice Blvd for the “whole face threading” hair removal. it’s only $20.
Can’t do anything about the knees. Calf length skirts.
Oh, shit. I came over here to thank you for your kind words on my PROMPTuesday post. But I got carried away by the chardonnay. And the wrinkly knee thing.
Whatever it takes to get you on that plane is fine. Well, except maybe being a functioning alcoholic, but I’m pretty sure you’ll quit the sauce when you get home. And if you don’t, SQUEE! I can stage an intervention which would be right up my alley because hello? Who doesn’t love to be all bossypants-but-pretending-it’s-for-your-own-good? No one, that’s who.
Awww, poor Deb! Eyes on the prize: New York and all its awesomeness. I’d love to see a drunk vlog. I think that should be a meme.
So now you’ve officially written 2 entries into your own PROMPTuesday. I love that.
My husband’s family has the exact opposite head thing, as in all women to marry into this family will never be the same if they bear children. Ever. Fortunately I was all child-bearing’d out when we met. Thank God.
Everyone deserves a drunk post now and then. You and your small head hang in there – it’s going to be okay, I promise!
I have the opposite problem–my head is unusually large. So, I look like a lollipop. I’m not exaggerating. Ask my mom. :)
Oh, flying makes me nervous too. I will spare you the details of my thoughts on the matter, because I don’t think it would help you at all…
I was amazed that you spelled “verbiage” correctly when in your cups – I forgot that spell check works for drunk people, too!
Cheer up. I guarantee you the coat doesn’t look as bad as you (or the Rock) thinks it does. And you don’t have an abnormally small head, you have a willowy head. :o)
You’re adorable. Fluff that pretty, blond hair on your pretty, little head and wear your jacket with pride as you fearfully board the plane! You’re gonna make it!
When you have done this and your brain is no longer drenched in cortisol, you will have it all back (and be more worldly) AND be drunk on the knowledge of the amazing things you can do because you have had the courage to take on your own personal Everest. And rest assured that there are plenty of us who know precisely how huge this mountain is.
Did you see my tweets last night on twitter? yeah that was wine induced. Hang in there!
Cheers to ya! Happy trails!
I so feel your pain. Did you try those SOAR podcasts, I swear they work.
One thing they teach is to get all your panic and fear out BEFORE the flight. Get yourself all in a tizzy now, but once you get on that plane, don’t let those thoughts bother you. Snap a rubberband on your wrist every time you think about it. Just don’t let the fear come to you. I’m telling you, it works. I was finally able to fly without Xanax for the first time!
dude, lmfao @ the shrunken head. my sister’s ex-husband referred to her as “thumbnail head”. and would sometimes call her “gelfling” because he thought she looked like one of those characters from the movie, The Dark Crystal.
hugs! love the drunken deb posts. classic!
You’re darling when you’re in your cups.
Don’t fight the fear. Accept the fear. Embrace the fear. Be friends with the fear. Love the fear. It’s part of you. Kiss the fear.
I’ll call you in an hour.
If you weren’t so scared of flying, I would invite you up for a cocktail with me.
That’d be grand.
I want to go on record as saying that you’re head looks quite normal-sized to me.
You can do it!
But you know what? I’ll bet your skin looks ab-so-lute-ly fabulous.
I can’t possibly imagine anyone even thinking one thing about your head size when you have such a pretty face.
Curl your hair, back comb it into some magnificent ode to country stars of the 70s! That’ll make your head bigger.
As for the Atlanta housewives? I dunno. I ran screaming from the room as I heard the start of the show and have refused to watch. (Really, me? Running? Yeah. Totally.)
I think more people should twat their panic attacks. Doctors should recommend it.
I am sure that your coat is fabulous! Its all in the attitude you have when you wear it anyway. You can pull it off! I am sure your head is normal. Its not like all New Yorkers have huge heads and you will look like a member of the Lollipop Guild.
All will be well. NYC is worth flying for.
What do men know? Wear the jacket. You’ll have a fabulous time.
I love any post that starts off “Hi. I’m drunk”
This is my favorite post I’ve read all week. It’s got a little something for everyone.
Remind me to take you out for drinks sometime. You’re a hoot!
You’re gonna be juuuust fine — you’ll have a whole corner of the Blogosphere thinkin’ of you.
And if all else fails, drink more.