If you only knew the trouble I’ve seen today. My sign (Scorpio-Sag cusp) must be in opposition to some planetular alignment, because nothing is going according to plan. Not a thing has gone smoothly, or on time or in accordance with my wishes.
Today I should work, but Booger slept in big time this morning and I didn’t have the heart to wake her for daycare. Then, upon awaking, she’d peed her super soaker, ambulatory, volcanic urine all over everything, so of course, I had to gather all the linens, stuffed animals and human beings within a 10-mile radius for a good scrubdown.
After that was the banana bread incident, which shall go unrecorded, and mold in my re-usable coffee filter. I don’t drink coffee anymore, but shhhhhhh-aving cream, I needed it this morning. So I guess the mold is within reason, but probably not good. Maybe not bad, but not good.
I drank it anyway. If anything, maybe the poisonous toxins would lull me into a deep sleep and I’d wake up later surrounded by clean dishes and picked-up house because my husband would feel bad about my being almost dead.
After that, I did what any self-respecting, mom on the edge would do: I made my own mask out of baking soda and oats and applied it to my face. I completely pulled those ingredients out of my butt, but they sounded good and cleansing. And I promise you, I am sitting here now with baking soda and oat flakes drifting onto my keyboard.
There’s more. So, so much more, but screw it: I’m not giving the other stuff the satisfaction of a public forum. Do you hear that poo smeared on my bathtub? I AM NOT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR EXISTENCE.
Finally, I have 100 pages left in my book club book and if I don’t read it this month, some very pissed off bibliophiles will Ultimate Fighting Championship my ass.
So, a meme.
From Matter-of-Fact Mommy. But first I’d like to publicly apologize to Cascia at Healthy Moms for seemingly ignoring her tag. I did not mean to. It’s just that I went to your blog today and can’t find the meme I was tagged for (makes sense given the whole planetary opposinitioness of today), (I don’t even think “opposinitioness” is spelled correctly. Also, it’s not a word. And if you could see my face? You would see it does not care less. About the word, not about Cascia.) and I am very sorry.
Anyway, the meme:
What was I doing ten years ago?
I was preparing to move to San Diego from Los Angeles to live with The Rock. I’d just left my job and the daughter of the man I worked for (who was a friend) was extremely upset by my departure and still doesn’t talk to me.
5 things on my “to do” list today:
Finish Suite Francaise, yell at the planets, ponder my advancing age, Google “coffee mold,” eat my face for lunch.
Snacks I enjoy:
Homemade popcorn, baked chickpeas, my face.
Things I would do if I were a billionaire: Buy a vacation home; open a terrorist brain wave redirection facility where I’d kidnap terrorists, bring them to my facility and rewire their thinking. I’d give them something to live for by maybe teaching them to tend their own garden? Or whittle wooden toys for children? I’m still working that part out. Also, I’d play a lot of Air Supply, because it makes people laugh. And I think terrorists need to laugh more.
5 places I have lived: Denver, Colorado; Chicago, Illinois; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Los Angeles (Encino, Woodland Hills, Brentwood), California; San Diego (EVERYWHERE!), California.
5 bad habits: Pessimism, self-deprecation, selfishness, gossiping, being ungrateful.
5 jobs I have had: Bakery counter person at the Jelly Bowl Bakery, the only place to ever fire me, but with good reason: I’d eat all the cupcakes and leave the front door unlocked at night; Advertising/PR Coordinator at a bank; PR Specialist at a marketing firm; Associate Editor at a video game magazine; Communications Director at a non-profit (the job that I left to reclaim the last vestiges of my soul).
I tag anybody reading this whose day also makes them want to eat their face.
And for those who made it this far, a present: