If you only knew the trouble I’ve seen today. My sign (Scorpio-Sag cusp) must be in opposition to some planetular alignment, because nothing is going according to plan. Not a thing has gone smoothly, or on time or in accordance with my wishes.
Today I should work, but Booger slept in big time this morning and I didn’t have the heart to wake her for daycare. Then, upon awaking, she’d peed her super soaker, ambulatory, volcanic urine all over everything, so of course, I had to gather all the linens, stuffed animals and human beings within a 10-mile radius for a good scrubdown.
After that was the banana bread incident, which shall go unrecorded, and mold in my re-usable coffee filter. I don’t drink coffee anymore, but shhhhhhh-aving cream, I needed it this morning. So I guess the mold is within reason, but probably not good. Maybe not bad, but not good.
I drank it anyway. If anything, maybe the poisonous toxins would lull me into a deep sleep and I’d wake up later surrounded by clean dishes and picked-up house because my husband would feel bad about my being almost dead.
After that, I did what any self-respecting, mom on the edge would do: I made my own mask out of baking soda and oats and applied it to my face. I completely pulled those ingredients out of my butt, but they sounded good and cleansing. And I promise you, I am sitting here now with baking soda and oat flakes drifting onto my keyboard.
There’s more. So, so much more, but screw it: I’m not giving the other stuff the satisfaction of a public forum. Do you hear that poo smeared on my bathtub? I AM NOT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR EXISTENCE.
Finally, I have 100 pages left in my book club book and if I don’t read it this month, some very pissed off bibliophiles will Ultimate Fighting Championship my ass.
So, a meme.
From Matter-of-Fact Mommy. But first I’d like to publicly apologize to Cascia at Healthy Moms for seemingly ignoring her tag. I did not mean to. It’s just that I went to your blog today and can’t find the meme I was tagged for (makes sense given the whole planetary opposinitioness of today), (I don’t even think “opposinitioness” is spelled correctly. Also, it’s not a word. And if you could see my face? You would see it does not care less. About the word, not about Cascia.) and I am very sorry.
Anyway, the meme:
What was I doing ten years ago?
I was preparing to move to San Diego from Los Angeles to live with The Rock. I’d just left my job and the daughter of the man I worked for (who was a friend) was extremely upset by my departure and still doesn’t talk to me.
5 things on my “to do” list today:
Finish Suite Francaise, yell at the planets, ponder my advancing age, Google “coffee mold,” eat my face for lunch.
Snacks I enjoy:
Homemade popcorn, baked chickpeas, my face.
Things I would do if I were a billionaire: Buy a vacation home; open a terrorist brain wave redirection facility where I’d kidnap terrorists, bring them to my facility and rewire their thinking. I’d give them something to live for by maybe teaching them to tend their own garden? Or whittle wooden toys for children? I’m still working that part out. Also, I’d play a lot of Air Supply, because it makes people laugh. And I think terrorists need to laugh more.
5 places I have lived: Denver, Colorado; Chicago, Illinois; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Los Angeles (Encino, Woodland Hills, Brentwood), California; San Diego (EVERYWHERE!), California.
5 bad habits: Pessimism, self-deprecation, selfishness, gossiping, being ungrateful.
5 jobs I have had: Bakery counter person at the Jelly Bowl Bakery, the only place to ever fire me, but with good reason: I’d eat all the cupcakes and leave the front door unlocked at night; Advertising/PR Coordinator at a bank; PR Specialist at a marketing firm; Associate Editor at a video game magazine; Communications Director at a non-profit (the job that I left to reclaim the last vestiges of my soul).
I tag anybody reading this whose day also makes them want to eat their face.
And for those who made it this far, a present:
See now, my cream just gets solid around the top. But hey, it’s liquid under that. That part’s still good, right?
I don’t want to eat my face today but tomorrow I may*. I have no oppositionness (that’s how I’d spell it) to it but I already blogged about an at-home tattoo party today and this might be too much for one day*.
* rhyming at no extra cost to you
I love your eyebrows. Amid all the goop on your face they still emerge perfectly arched and seemingly sculpted.
I was fired a couple of times from jobs – once in Spain I went to Morocco for the weekend and ended up staying for 2 weeks and earlier, when I was a receptionist for CBS in Sydney, they said if I came in one more time limping or bandaged from motorcycle accidents (I was supposed to at least not scare the people with my hideous injuries as I greeted them) they would have to let me go. I did and they did. We live and learn…thank god!
Bahaha I love the pic! Baking soda and oats hmm…Quick Oats? Because those I have.
Oh and I would eaten the cupcakes too.
That is great! I love your home made mask. I’ll have to try that. Don’t worry about the tag. I’ll get you again. But if you realy want to participate in my meme you can find it at: http://thehealthymoms.blogspot.com/2008/04/monday-meme.html
ok, don’t even know where to start here, except that i can’t think of a better way to torture terrorists (i mean make them laugh) than to play air supply. and from someone who has a far too expensive addiction to skin care products, i’m totally impressed with your ingenuity.
AAAHHHHHGGG! kidding. this is awesome! and you look lovely in the towel. thanks for obliging the tag. as always, i love your writing… i get lost in your words and come back often wanting more.
:)
You. Are. A. Giver.
Somehow my day just glowed a bright light thanks to you (or maybe it’s my 3rd glass of wine). Whatev.
“Keepin’ it really real in San Diego.” That’s my new mental tagline for your blog.
wow. um. thanks for the present! Can’t wait to receive more of them just like that one! :) for real.
I got tagged for this meme by Professor J and the book meme by you, and tomorrow is Tuesday, and I suck.
My arm hurts. And I’m barely writing or commenting. So . . . I’ll suck some more.
Also, because I’m not getting any cardio ’cause it hurts my shoulder too frickin’ bad, I gotta get my buzz somehow, so I want to eat the oats off your face. But I’ve had to cold-turkey quit granola because it’s loving my belly and nesting in my keyboard, so . . . I’ll just keep sucking.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow. ;-)
Deborah’s right — your eyebrows are spectacular. Were you an Egyptian in a past ancient life? King Tut perhaps?
Apropos of absolutely nothing–your house has amazing natural light. That is my favorite feature in a house!