Working Out Screws with Evolution

{{Fine! It’s another re-post!


But here’s a bathing suit picture to shame me into never re-posting the old shizz ever again.}}



I have this friend.


And she is lovely. She really is.


Very fit, exercise-y, trim. That kind of crap.


Also, very motivational.


Offering to train me, help me eat right, be my health “sponsor.”


Which is awesome.


But really, she’s like the blondie, feather-haired cheerleader sister you have, where never in six million years will you perform at the awesome over-achiever level she deems acceptable.


Also, she LOVES to work out.




Like gets excited about it.


So right there we have nothing in common.


But I want to give myself to her just the same.


Hand my body over and say, “Go to town. Do what you need to do. I don’t need my legs to work today.”


Just to put it in context, this is the email she sent me yesterday:


(Paraphrased): Come to the gym with me! I want to do Power Pump first, then Cardio KickBox, then Spin class! Afterwards, let’s do six weeks of weight training and a yoga cool down!”


Whereas in response, I’m thinking (paraphrased): FUCK NO. But is there a smoothie bar?


See, I do like to not be enormous. I do prefer to not be a cotton ball of little to no muscle. It’s just that it seems so complicated. You know, getting in the car. Driving to a gym. Opening a locker. Getting on a treadmill.


I don’t think I’m genetically programmed to break a sweat. I know there’s a good reason for it. Probably something evolutionary, like I hail from a long line of Norwegian acid sweat-ers.


Still and yet. I promised to join my lithe, supple-muscled freak friend for a workout next week after the kids go back to school. I’m going to her gym for a week, during which time she hopes to transform me into someone who isn’t a human marshmallow.


Also! And funnily! She thinks maybe I might learn to like breaking a sweat!


Poor thing. She’s gonna be real sorry when all my skin burns off because of that Norwegian acid sweat thing.


I’m just saying: You do NOT mess with evolution.