January 12th, 2012
(The above is a vent. As is the below.)
Guess what time of the month it is?
That’s right!
Pretty Much Snarky time!
That special block of days on the calendar where I say what’s on my mind and regret it in a week!
So, let’s get started with an informal, but bitchy list of…
ANNOYING SOCIAL MEDIA TYPES
The Be-Bopper
This person doesn’t know who he/she wants to be. One day he/she’s a political expert, then a wine aficionado, then a travel pro. He/she tweets/blogs/Facebooks the du jour persona faithfully (and annoyingly often) until he/she is onto the next thing, and newfound social media identity. It’s one thing to write about different subjects that interest you, quite another to designate yourself a “guru” or “expert” in each thing, especially when your expertise is clearly not expert.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
Looking forward to unveiling my new design! I’m changing blog focus!
(Then four months later):
Can’t wait to show you all my re-design! Going in a different direction!
(And four months after that):
Working on a new look for my site! It’ll be something totally unexpected!
In a nutshell:
This person wants one thing: Recognition. But he/she doesn’t know for what, so he/she jumps on whatever bandwagon he/she thinks will get them noticed. The problem? Loss of credibility. My unwanted advice? If you’re in this solely for the “fame,” get out. You’ll always be spinning your wheels, and it will be difficult to truly engage with you because you’re all over the board and serving yourself instead of your reader. (We get that, you know.)
The Angster
This person is blogging about what he/she loves and/or believes in, but gets frustrated when more people don’t read or re-tweet his or her stuff. Although The Angster doesn’t want to care what other people think, and to blog for the love of it, he or she can’t help but feel sad when attention doesn’t come his or her way. This person gets mad at herself (DID I SAY “HERSELF?” I meant “YOU!” I MEAN “HIM!” “HER!” Don’t look at me!) for caring about numbers and stats and ego, but cares anyway.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
Forget it. I’m sick of this blogging game. I’m throwing in the towel.
Thinking about ditching my blog…
Thanks for the memories, everyone. But I’m done with {INSERT ANGSTER’S BLOG TITLE HERE}
In a nutshell:
This person just wants to know you care and that he or she matters. By threatening to close his or her blog down, he or she hopes you will beg him or her to keep going. The sad tweets are just cries for help and validation. Not that I’d know anything about that.
The Elitist
My least favorite social media type, the Elitist is better than everyone — except for those he/she accepts into his or her circle for exhibiting the general amazingness that he or she imagines him or herself to have in spades. This person regularly puts “dumb” people down in veiled, smug, and faux intellectual tweets that he or she hopes others in his or her circle of general amazingness will decipher and praise.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
New for 2012: Start using the word ‘defenestrate’ more often.
This whole mommy blogger division reminds me of the Hussite Wars, which as we all now know, was hardly a revolution.
If you want to know why America is where it is now, maybe you should read “America’s Ass: An Exegesis of Hitting Bottom”
In a nutshell:
I imagine this person furiously scribbling in some moleskine journal, collecting overly clever tweets on paper, tapping fingers like a mad scientist after he or she busts them out one by one on his or her Twitter stream, and sitting back to wait for the “that was amazing!”s to roll in. This social media type is master at calling attention to his or her many accomplishments in carefully constructed apathetic tweets like “Just wrote a book. Why isn’t there a cold beer in my hand? #authorproblems” This person also thrives on obscure references and likes to invoke comic book hero names a lot. You know, because he or she is indie as well as superior to everyone in the world. If you still can’t identify an elitist in your Twitter stream, look for his or her avatar’s ironic smile. He or she almost always has one — this is because he or she is too cool for this game, but plays it anyway. Because the universe should know his or her genius.
The Implementer
This person reads all of About.com’s social media how-tos and implements the bullet points faithfully. He or she especially read the part where it says “Engage with your followers! Ask questions to boost your Twitter authority!” so this person regularly poses Cosmo-magazine-type queries to get responses and obtain more followers. You will also recognize this person by his or her constant Klout observations. This person is a little like the Be-Bopper in that he or she isn’t *really* engaged with his or her audience, but he or she is operating under the guise of being so, so he or she can reap the rewards of a big following (whatever they may be to that person…usually it’s recognition for the sake of recognition).
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
So peeps: Boxers or briefs?
Tweeps! If you were a sandwich, what sandwich would you be?
Can’t believe it! I went to the bathroom and my Klout score dropped 10 points!
In a nutshell:
This person isn’t a jerk, he or she just doesn’t know how to “truly” interact with people. For whatever reasons exist in this person’s past, he or she just wants to take over the Twitter world…benevolently. It would just help if he or she had you know, a purpose. I think of these people like I think about the Kardashians.
The Obscurinator
This social media type regularly posts vague references to something BIG happening but refuses to spell it out. He or she often implies that he or she is onto something enormous that everyone is sure to read about soon in the news or on TMZ.
You’ll recognize this type by tweets such as:
Can’t believe I’m in the company of all these celebs. I must be doing something right!
Lots of amazing things happening! Can’t wait to hit the big time!
Good stuff on the horizon! Just gotta finish my conference calls with all these publishers!
In a nutshell:
It’d be good if this person just shut up. Either tell us what you have coming up that’s so freaking awesome, or take your meaningless, hinty words and go on MySpace.
And there’s a few other types that hurt my brain: The Narcissist (please Instagram more photos of yourself wearing a doily frock and crossing your toes inward like an ingenue!), The One-Sided Promoter (constantly asks you to re-tweet, Stumble, “like,” and comment on posts, but doesn’t interact with you in any other meaningful way, and never returns your DMs or emails unless they directly benefit him or her in some way), The Influence Seeker (sends out many tweets to the “big dogs” in an effort to be noticed by them), The Passive-Aggressive (What?), and perhaps the most nefarious of all, The Befriender, because this is the person who approaches you under the cover of friendship, but is really only seeking something (contacts, reputation, name) you have that they want. This fakester is in it to advance him or herself to some level of social media stratosphere which, if you look at the ground below him or her, is littered with “human debris,” the people he or she has used to get to the top. You will know him or her by the people they are currently chatting up and pursuing. These people will change based on the Befriender’s current social media focus.
To sum up: Just be real. I’m tired of motives and agendas and strategies.
If you’re interacting with me, I want to be authentically interacted with…not some rung on your social media ladder. I’ve seen a lot of gurus and brand ambassadors and social media people do it right — and authentically. The difference between them and many of the types I write about here? They truly care to provide a service or information or entertainment to followers and readers. They have identified their purpose and goals and always, always keep it in mind. Even if it’s to tweet for fun (What?).
…And that concludes Pretty Much Snarky time!
(More Pretty Much Snarky Time posts:

























