Although my foray into losing pounds hath forsaken me, I thought I’d at least share some helpful things I discovered while on my pointless diet-and-exercise journey to nowhere.
Maybe they’ll work for some of you.
I’ll just sit here and expand further into butt oblivion while you read.
Nuun U Natural Hydration
I have a real hard time drinking water. I’m a one-or-two sip gal because water is just so…wet and tasteless. I’d heard about Mio’s water enhancer at the gym and tried a bit to flavor my wet water, but it had so many artificial ingredients I never felt comfortable drinking it.
So I began to add Nuun’s U Natural tablets to my water bottle. It’s no-carb, all natural, and effervescent (like me!). (Sidebar: I used to drink Alka-Seltzer for fun.) To boot, I actually finished my entire daily water intake when I Nuun’ed the water. It has a light, fizzy flavor I dig, and doesn’t taste all aspartamed-up. Nuun also has a line of tablets with electrolytes for active exercisers, which helped me recover when I lifted too much weight for my skeletal frame and crumpled like a dippy accordion.
I beg you to read this next part with a grain of non-judgment and healthy acceptance. It’s hard to find peppy workout music, you know? Sometimes one must resort to the cheese.
And so I did.
Desperate times call for dorky measures.
These were the songs that kept me going (often, I’d play the same tune 65 times in a row because when I like things, I go overboard.) (You should have seen The Rock when we first met. He had kiss injuries.)
I made this recipe up. See how I did that? I named a recipe after what I did. Do other people do this? If so, I want to know more about the Baked Alaska guy.
I had to eat a lot of protein on this diet and given that I require tasty and flavorful foods with a minimum of meaty product, this was a challenge. So with this cobbled-together-in-my-addled-brain recipe, I shook a whole lot of seasoning on some chicken breast to disguise the fact that I was eating a bird. Specifically, I put a lot of chili powder on some chicken. I sprinkled much many garlic and onion powder on it, too. And some sea salt and pepper. Also some herbes de Provence and olive oil. In that order. But apparently, the olive oil should go first according to people who actually cook.
I don’t know if it’s because I left the seasoned chicken on the counter for 45 minutes before I pan fried it, or because my pal took it off the flame while it was still pink (chicken keeps cooking even when removed from heat) so that it matured into a juicy, perfectly prepared breast, but this made-up chicken tasted like something delicious. Although that could have been because my only other food sources to that point were oatmeal and ice cubes.
Well, there’s my list of three. I would like to add tight, lean muscles to the compilation and also jeans that fit, but women-who-do-everything-by-the-book-to-lose-weight-dammit-but-fail-due-to-hormones-maybe can’t be choosers.