It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Stripper Halloween

(What my eight-year-old wants to be for Halloween)

(How I see her in my THE-WHOLE-WORLD-IS-GROWING-UP-TOO-FAST-AND-BLINDLY-ACCEPTING-THE-WOMANIZATION-OF-OUR-LITTLE-GIRLS mind’s-eye.)

I’d like to know what happened to kids’ Halloween costumes. Like, when did Paris Hilton start designing them? Because slutty is totally on sale at Party City.

The girls just wanted simple vampire girl and devil costumes. You know, a black dress, a red pant suit, maybe some fangs and horns. Instead, the options were sleazy Oktoberfest zombie Twilight girl and Dante’s s#x slave, the toddler version.

Toots tried on her devil get-up (kids’ size 8, short, flimsy red dress, black fishnet stockings, long ruby earrings), and I about called the church for a ho exorcism. And the sad thing is, we can’t find anything that’s more appropriate for a little kid.

I suppose I could make something myself, but my crafting black thumbs tell me that’s totally out of the question.

So, a few suggestions for appropriatizing your children’s Halloween wear:

1) Drape them in a sheet. Don’t forget to cut eye and nose holes! Small ones only. You don’t want to show too much skin, but it’s good if they can bring air into their lungs.

2) Put them in a long muslin dress, accented with a simple kitchen apron. They’re Amish!

3) Give them your old maternity clothes, add a forehead furrow and disproving scowl. What kid doesn’t want to be mommy for Halloween?

4) Call Justice and ask it to take its disco-trollop-cheese-wear mind meld off your daughters, which makes it a societal norm for children under 10 to ask to be Kim Kardashian for Halloween.

5) Allow your kids to pick their costumes only from the Bible (New-Testament, post-Sodom-and-Gomorrah only).

Together, we can make our kids look like big dorks! We don’t care if all their friends have cooler moms who are going to be naughty nurses at the neighborhood party while you show up dressed like Suze Orman!