A Thousand Little Pieces

You may have noticed the rash of re-posts lately, which I’m using to fill blog gaps while I do the million things I’m doing. I’ve tried to resist the feeling that I must publish something…worthy. A story, an anecdote, a vlog even. Because you know, that’s what you’re supposed to do to keep your blog fresh. And man, that ambitious sentiment is paralyzing.

So I’ve been frozen since BlogHer. So many “shoulds” and “need tos” and “strategies.”

Instead of me. Unobscured by the minutiae of “must.”

Because at BlogHer, surrounded by all the…energy…I withdrew a bit into myself. And it felt right, it really did. There’s so much forced trying to be something, or anything, that I rather enjoyed the me I am. Devoid of ego. And the needing of people to make me believe I’m somehow more worthy than I am. You know, right now, just this. And so I sat along walls, and on chairs, and at stopping points, quiet and OK. Still it stirred: Must I raise my voice to be noticed? Must I dance or drink or talk or showcase? The answer always was no, but it left me in a crossroad, and not entirely sure what to do next because I still…was processing. So I just moved along, letting it be.

I’m writing this now because I must write. Bust through the I need to tell a story, and just present what’s going on as it is, in my voice. And let it be enough.

Because I’m very much not going to let myself be ruled by the need to be someone other than I am.

I’ve seen too much of that lately.

So melodrama aside, a maudlin introspection I’ve raised to a high art form, here’s what’s happening:

First, I’ve been busy, Lord criminy. I lost a big editing contract because the company I freelanced for was sold to another conglomerate, an operation that doesn’t so much outsource editing, and the shake-up led me to other projects. Still some editing, along with writing, and blogging, and consulting. A lot of little jobs I enjoy, but which take a lot of time. Plus you know, the kids are home for the summer. Which is a nice little recipe for crazy head. I’m writing a lot right now, mostly for business, and so my words have been reserved to what brings in some money, which isn’t always the same as what feeds the soul.

BUT: I’ve also partnered with a good friend in a new venture that IS soul-feeding, but encompassing too, and that’s taken a lot of mind time and creativity juice. In the midst of this and in the between, I’ve aimed to finish my manuscript. The one I’ve aimed to finish, always.

I can’t wait to show up here and say it’s done.

THAT would be especially good for the soul.

I suppose all this is to say that I’m shedding certain ideas about myself and forging ahead to embrace new…perceptions. I’m making things happen, even if it’s quietly.

And after BlogHer and the ambition-seeking and the forward-looking and the re-purposing and the over-evaluating, I return once again to let myself not be ruled by the need to be someone other than I am.

Sometimes we live years in hours, trying to reclaim that certainty. Sometimes we never claim it.

I chose the former.