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San Diego Momma

Sharing some humor, a bit of writing and way too much information

Home / Etcetera / First Time A Blessing, Second Time A Miracle

First Time A Blessing, Second Time A Miracle

Etcetera, Indie Ink

The below is born from an IndieInk Writing Challenge issued to me by my challenger, Becky.
Every week, as part of IndieInk’s “game,” participants will be randomly challenged by their peers with a writing prompt. Becky’s prompt for me this week was:
“They say there’s a first time for everything. Write about something that offers more than one first time.”

 

(Note for my PROMPTuesdayers: PROMPTuesday will show up here on Wednesday.)

 

I watched my mom die. Held her ice hands, heard her gasps, stroked her head, told her to go. I stood at her bedside for several long minutes afterward and finally, convinced there was no more, turned to tell her brothers and sisters, who slept in rooms just down the hall from where my mom no longer existed. It was November 10, 1997. 4AM.

 

Moments like that are indelible. Etched forever whether you like it or not. For all your days, you’ll see it. The gray skin, red toenails on white feet, parchment eyes, blue nightgown. You tell yourself it’s all right, you want these final images. Still, in your quiet moments you wish them away. Maybe if I had a voice to go with them, a last goodbye in her own words, something my spirit remembers and not my head. But we didn’t talk in those diminishing days. I’d lost her to the morphine and the body closing down a week before she passed.

 

She was my mom.

 

I watched her die.

 

The last thing I remember her saying as we looked out the bay window is how she wanted to be a bird, free to circle above it all; how she’d come to visit me, after it was all done.

 

At my wedding four years later, one lone bird looped above me as I walked down the aisle. I didn’t see it. Everyone else did. I wanted to cry; I wanted my bird.

 

*******************

 

I’d met Rebecca through ElderHelp in 2002, about a year after I married. She was 87, a painter, a writer, a mosaic of soul and grace. We’d visit and talk every Sunday. I was all she had; her son died in 1940 of pneumonia; she became a mom to me.

 

She told me all her stories. Of a little baby boy who she never came to know, of four husbands, of sickness and redemption through Christian Science. She read to me, and asked me to share my stories — the ones I’d never heard myself say out loud. I was someone else when I was with her — my one true self.

 

I counted six years with her, filled with acceptance, gentle nudging, mutual silence, simple understanding. Then one October morning, I went to visit and learned she had broken her ankle and was in the hospital. Of course she tried to call me, but never left a message. Too many lost days after that silent voice mail, I ran to the medical center and stayed with her. It was just a broken ankle, but still.

 

But still. Those things happen, and turn into other things. Pneumonia, convalescence, infection, more convalescence. A month later, I sat at the foot of her hospital bed. I knew what was coming. I’d been there before.

 

I begged her see. I begged. Let me stay, I pleaded. Let me stay. I still have you for today. I hear your voice. Talk to me. Let me stay.

 

But she sent me out of the room. I’m enduring, she told me. Let me endure.

 

I left as she wished. Even though I knew it was coming.

 

Not twelve hours later, I returned. Rebecca had died seconds before. I lay my head on her chest. I wanted to hear something, anything. Let me stay.

 

I looked at the clock on the wall in front of us. I knew what was coming, what I’d see.

 

November 10. 4AM.

 

I had my bird.

 

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February 21, 2011 · 35 Comments

Sure I’d love to see you again

Previous Post: « How To Write. Again.
Next Post: PROMPTuesday #142: To Forgive is Divine »

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Comments

  1. Jurgen Nation says

    February 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    This is breathtaking. I don’t feel right writing how beautiful it is because of the tragic subject of loss, but wow. You really write beautifully.

    -(Jurgen Nation / Anastacia)

    Reply
  2. Rima says

    February 21, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I don’t think I have the words to describe how much I love this post. You are definitely, definitely a kindred spirit.

    Reply
  3. Ellie says

    February 21, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Oh. I’m breathless. And speechless.

    These words will stay with me for a long, long time.

    -Ellie

    Reply
  4. Thinkingtoohard says

    February 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    How is it that you made my challenge look like, well . . . not a challenge at all?! Slam dunk. Beautifully done. And heartbreakingly so.
    xo

    Reply
  5. Sue says

    February 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    soft and beautiful. love it.

    Reply
  6. Christina says

    February 21, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Wow. Thank you for sharing this story. It was so touching.

    Reply
  7. Jason Hughes says

    February 21, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Thank you for sharing this part of your life. It was beautifully written!

    Reply
  8. TJ says

    February 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Wow. Just wow. This is the whole reason we are doing this writing challenge in the first place. Reading this post actually made me tear up. Really. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Reply
  9. txsjewels says

    February 21, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    gorgeous. as inspiring as it was read, it’s equally empowering to realize the strength it must have taken to write it. so well done. sincere thanks.

    Reply
  10. Fina says

    February 21, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    I love the writing challenge. I love your talent. This. is. stunning. Thank you so much for participating. It’s posts like these that encourage and inspire me to remain honest, even when talking about sadness. Thank you.

    Reply
  11. Jenn Sullivan says

    February 21, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    Wow, crying. You are strong. Hugs.

    Reply
  12. tinsenpup says

    February 22, 2011 at 4:09 am

    Wow, Deb. What can I say? That’s really powerful writing.

    Reply
  13. JenniferfromLaJolla says

    February 22, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    I so admire you.

    Reply
  14. Cab says

    February 22, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Well done, beautiful writing. Your compassion is inspirational.

    Reply
  15. Boni says

    February 22, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Deb,

    This is really heartfelt and amazing. I’m sorry for your loss but you gained such clarity and perspective that you bring to your writing. I’m sure they are both very proud of you. Thank you for sharing.

    Boni

    Reply
  16. Mama Mary says

    February 22, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Every time I hear this story I cry. Love you, friend. And love your writing! xo

    Reply
  17. Becky says

    February 22, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Wow — I’m late getting here but, wow.
    I need to read this again.. to savor the emotion.

    Reply
  18. flutter says

    February 22, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Deb this is amazing. You are just a beautiful soul.

    Reply
  19. San Diego Momma says

    February 22, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Really touched.
    Thank you all for the comments and love.

    Reply
  20. anastasia mcdonnellism says

    February 22, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    That was so lovely – you really got me at the one looping bird at your wedding…tears spilled over. Thank you for sharing these pieces of your heart with us. Your writing is just beautiful.

    Reply
  21. evenstarwen says

    February 23, 2011 at 11:24 am

    This is so incredibly, deeply, beautiful. Your writing moves me. But I can only imagine the parts of the story that you didn’t tell, because there are no words for them. Somehow, those moments still shine through.

    Reply
  22. Kerri Anne says

    February 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    “Moments like that are indelible. Etched forever whether you like it or not. For all your days, you’ll see it. The gray skin, red toenails on white feet, parchment eyes, blue nightgown. You tell yourself it’s all right, you want these final images. Still, in your quiet moments you wish them away.”

    YES. Beautifully said. All of it.

    Reply
  23. Supermaren says

    February 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Wow, I’m seriously tearing up. That was beautifully written.

    Reply
  24. Jessica says

    February 23, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    oh Deb. So moving, so incredible. I have a client who reminds of Rebecca. I adore her and am so grateful to have her in my life.

    Reply
  25. You can call me, 'Sir' says

    February 24, 2011 at 8:44 am

    This is so well written and genuinely moving. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  26. Bejewell says

    February 24, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    I love, love, LOVE this post. You’re so beautiful.

    Reply
  27. Ferd says

    February 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Debby,
    That gave me tingles!

    Reply
  28. Lee says

    February 25, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Deb – amazing. This story has stopped me in my tracks today. Lovely and haunting filled with life and soul and heart and love and longing and well…..you are a gorgeous writer.

    xo
    Lee

    Reply
  29. amy says

    February 25, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    So beautiful.

    Reply
  30. Jill says

    February 26, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    A-may-zing story! You brought such tears to my eyes! Must make a trip to SD soon! Maybe even next weekend??

    Reply
  31. Fragrant Liar says

    February 27, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Wow. That was powerful.

    Reply
  32. Cupcake Murphy says

    February 28, 2011 at 8:36 am

    This post made my day. It was like reading a reflection of my life. I too watched my dad die and I too had a dear dear best friend who was 40 yrs older. One of the truest friendships I’ve ever had. Thank you for your beautiful insightful gorgeous writing.

    Reply
  33. pauline says

    November 9, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    I watched my father die. I’m still waiting for my bird.
    As for you, my friend? This was breathtaking.

    Reply
  34. Sarah Piazza says

    November 10, 2013 at 12:31 am

    Stunning.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Tweets that mention San Diego Momma » Blog Archive » First Time A Blessing, Second Time A Miracle -- Topsy.com says:
    February 21, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by San Diego Momma and Rima, Thinking Too Hard. Thinking Too Hard said: RT @SanDiegoMomma: Thanks @thinking2hard13 for my @II_Challenge from @IndieInk: http://bit.ly/hs9s7A It evoked something… […]

    Reply

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