“I want to write,” I said, because I’ve started to say it more out loud.
Time was, I asked the question inside, only to myself. What do you want to do? What do you want to do? What do you want to do?
And it always is to write.
I know that. Like you know that you have blood and brains and skin. Simply, it exists within me. And not so simply too.
Yet, I don’t say it to other people too much.
So the other day I said it to my friend.
“I want to write.”
Not in the way I used to say it. Like they were just words.
No, I threw my whole body into it. The words were blood and brains and skin. The words were a brand, a tattoo, a birthmark. A mission, incarnate.
Do you know?
Then…
“Why isn’t it easier? Why don’t people notice? Why am I not making money?” “Why aren’t I good enough?” And other sorry, self-pitying things like that.
There! Just words again.
And: “Where is my voice? I can’t find it.”
The most important question of all.
My friend looked at me straight on. She told me: “You don’t trust your voice.”
I thought about that for a minute.
She was right.
If I just let it out the way it sounds in my head I’d feel relief and release and like a tire that’s popped. Out I’d come, whistling like escaped air.
And it wouldn’t matter if no one noticed or if I made money or if I were good enough.
Because I’d be at peace and what would follow would follow.
**************************************
It’s like this:
I square my shoulders, heave my breath in and out, in and out, stare, accept. Be blank. I sit there like a satellite dish and accept signals and electric divinity. I’m a MagnaDoodle. The words appear, just plain out of nowhere and my fingers beckon, bring them close, circle the energy around, around, around, and shoot it at the page. Lightning bolts. Zip! Crackle! PaPow! And there it is.
There it is.
The sky whispers and sends the wind.
The wind reaches with slender fingers, inexplicably light. Blows my hair straight up. Stronger now. It grabs at the rest of me.
Pulling, pulling, pulling.
I go, willingly.
To find my voice.
Somewhere up there, amidst the lightning.
HOW cool IS IT that I get to be first to comment on this today? :)
Ok, remember that video by, I think, Twisted Sister, where the Dad (or was it a teacher?) says to the punk kid, “What do you wanna do with your life?” and the kid says, “I wanna ROCK!” and then the song starts? THAT is how I am picturing you. I think you have to be almost defiant in your passion and have a visceral need to write. As in, you can’t feel complete unless you fulfill this need. I am at the point where I can’t even remember the need. And that is pretty pathetic, huh? ut YOU? YOU are getting there. I m enjoing watching (or reading, I should say you rprogress. I am proud of you. I don’t even know you, really, and I am happy for you. I am a sap. But i really am glad for you. I have this to say to you:
“Write ON, girlfriend!”
sometimes, I think we are living the same life.
Yes, it’s your voice. Use it.
now go kick your own ass.
TC has an article on voice that’s one of my favorites: http://www.toasted-cheese.com/ab/02-03.htm
You are most definitely a writer, Deb. So just write. Write for yourself, in your own special style. Find a venue for your work, in addition to or instead of this blog. Set aside regular time. Be disciplined about it. Maybe you’ll be famous. Maybe you’ll make money. Maybe you won’t. But you’ll be happy writing.
And if I get a chance to read it, I’ll be happy, too! :-)
If this is you not trusting your voice I can’t wait to see what happens when you do.
My new year’s resolution is to try to tap that voice in me–the gut-wrenching honest writing. I’m a little afraid.
Your words made the hairs on my arm stand up.
You have a gift, my friend.
Truly.
-Ellie
I love your voice. Trust it!
P.S. That electrical current and wind hat runs through you and makes your hair stand on end? That, my dear is the Creative Force. It runs through all of us. All you have to do is plug yourself in.
Your voice will emerge loud and clear!
What a good friend!
Hi, I’m new here. Found your site on a Google search.
You are most definitely a good write! You definitely should just let it flow. Try not to overthink it! You have a great mindset!