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Sharing some humor, a bit of writing and way too much information

Home / Etcetera / 10 Signs You’re Approaching Menopause

10 Signs You’re Approaching Menopause

Etcetera

1. Your boobs are 34C, your hips are 3.14 Pi.

 

2. Your upper lip is a Chia Pet.

 

3. Alaska hires your body to melt snow.

 

4. You affectionately refer to your vaginal canal as “The Road to Ishtar.”

 

5. The fluid retained by your stomach could solve California’s water crisis.

 

6. Motherf#ck you dickface!

 

7. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

8. Sob! Sob! Sob!

 

9. Has anyone seen my keys, checkbook, kids, mail, car, purse, youth, or Jolene cream bleach?

 

10. The sky called. It wants your ass to plug the ozone layer.

 

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September 15, 2010 · 24 Comments

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Comments

  1. Lisa Rae @smacksy says

    September 15, 2010 at 7:44 am

    At least I know I’m right on track with something.
    Awesome.

    Reply
  2. Jenn @ Juggling Life says

    September 15, 2010 at 8:24 am

    My sign is that I’m reading this after drinking 40 oz. of water in preparation for my pelvic ultrasound to investigate the source of my “female troubles.” :)

    Reply
  3. foolery says

    September 15, 2010 at 8:48 am

    11. Your comedic pacing just gets better and better.

    Writerly crush on you, SDM. This has nothing to do with Ishtar, of course.

    Reply
  4. theresa says

    September 15, 2010 at 8:58 am

    You just described the majority of my days! CRAP!!!

    Reply
  5. jessica says

    September 15, 2010 at 10:08 am

    you are fucking hilarious.

    Reply
  6. Laurie Ann says

    September 15, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Number 6 is my favorite.

    Reply
  7. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) says

    September 15, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Lady, I have tweezers in my tight little grip most days it’s like I’m some kind of Edward Scissorhands. Facial hair?! What kind of horrible twist of fate has to cause this?! PMS…it’s knocking. Louder and louder.

    Reply
  8. Rima says

    September 15, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
  9. Christina says

    September 15, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    10? OMG. laughing so hard. Well, all of it really.
    Love you!

    Reply
  10. Kel says

    September 15, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    This list was great…it made me giggle outloud!! :)
    ~K

    Reply
  11. Alexis says

    September 15, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    #s 6, 7, 8, and 10 all apply to me and I’m 27. So either I’m in early menopause, or this list should be merged with “signs you’re a chubby crazy person.”

    love you, love this list. i’ll buy you some lube.

    Reply
  12. Sherri says

    September 16, 2010 at 3:38 am

    I think we need to add the pubic hair that no longer grows on the hoo-haa but now trails down the thigh and starts a new patch behind the knees….

    Reply
  13. green girl in wisconsin says

    September 16, 2010 at 5:46 am

    I am LAUGHING. I’m going to be a mass of stubble when I hit menopause–my CHIN has been a chia pet for decades! Oh you are funny. And Sherri–oh lord that is horrifying and hysterical.

    Reply
  14. Trish says

    September 16, 2010 at 7:21 am

    So true. So depressing.

    Reply
  15. Shana says

    September 16, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Sister, you are preaching to the choir.

    Reply
  16. Deb says

    September 16, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Those Chia Pet hairs? I lovingly refer to them as “Stray Eyebrows”. But mine have landed on my jaw line. On the right side of my face. ONLY on the right side. Figures I’d be lopsided on top of everything else.

    All of the other things? Never heard of them. Oh wait… Forgetfulness. That’s #9. Shooooot.

    *sigh*

    Reply
  17. MomZombie says

    September 16, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Ah, I’m not alone in this hell that has overtaken my body.

    Reply
  18. Twenty Four At Heart says

    September 16, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Ohhhhhh so THAT’S what’s wrong with me ….

    Reply
  19. vodkamom says

    September 17, 2010 at 3:16 am

    The fire raging inside your body begins as a spark and is ignited by NO KNOWN SOURCE and rages into an INFERNO in less than ten SECONDS!!!!!!!

    Reply
  20. MissM says

    September 17, 2010 at 9:16 am

    What does it mean if you are under 30 and have all of these? Simply crazy? Even scarier, what is menopause going to be like for ME?

    Reply
  21. Mama Mary says

    September 17, 2010 at 10:22 am

    I’ve never been a 34 C, except maybe at the height of engorgement and I’m a hairless wonder so #2, not so much. But #3-#10, OMG! Hilarious! I just made an asshat out of myself in Starbucks laughing out loud at this.

    Reply
  22. melissa says

    September 17, 2010 at 10:37 am

    now i know exactly what is wrong with me.
    i’m approaching menopause.
    and the hole in the ozone layer…yeah, i’m partially to blame. oh, excuse me.

    Reply
  23. Audrey at Barking Mad says

    September 17, 2010 at 11:30 am

    OMG!!! I could check off almost every one of those. I think, for my 42nd birthday which is happening in a few weeks, Gareth feels forced to buy a case of Xanax so that HE can deal with all of this. Can’t blame the poor guy. The hot flashes I’ve been having at night lately are hot enough to melt a tub of dry ice!

    Perimenopause SUCKS!

    Reply
  24. Da Goddess says

    September 28, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    The greatest day of my life was the day I woke up from anesthesia following my hysterectomy. Okay, maybe not. It was the day they finally found my perfect dose of premarin and the migraines were gone, the hot flashes were gone, and yet I maintained my sparkling wit and charming “better watch your back, mister, cuz I’ll fuck you up!” banter.

    Take a few thousand deep breaths and it’ll pass. Then you can climb the ladder of success with additional charm and a lot less “aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhh!!!!”

    Saying a prayer for you, Deb!

    Reply

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