• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • About
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • San Diego Momma
  • Nav Social Menu

    • Email
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter
San Diego Momma

San Diego Momma

Sharing some humor, a bit of writing and way too much information

Home / Etcetera / Mars and Venus Visit The Planet Verizon, Redux

Mars and Venus Visit The Planet Verizon, Redux

Etcetera

I originally posted this two years ago. And now our Verizon contract is up. Which means it’s time for new phones. Which means I am going to spend 18 days in a wireless store with my husband. Please send a straitjacket.

 

(I dial my husband’s cell phone, after a few rings, The Rock picks up)

 

Me: Hello? Honey? What are you doing?

 

Him: Hi babe, I’m at Verizon. You want to sign up for this family share plan or what?

 

Me: Sure, OK. Can I meet you there?

 

Him: Yeah, but hurry. I’ve been here for a half hour already.

 

Me: Doing what?

 

Him: Looking at the phones.

 

Me: This whole time?

 

Him: It’s been a half hour! What whole time?

 

Me: I’ll see you there.

 

(I hang up)

 

(10 minutes later, I enter Verizon. The Rock swoops over and seats me on a bench. He whips out the Verizon 85-page brochure with its dog-eared pages and begins to cover the pros and cons of every plan.)

 

Me: (shaking chicken bones, newt’s eyes and dragon’s teeth in palm of hand, then throwing them randomly at the catalog until one sticks)

This one looks good. Let’s do this one.

 

Him: (gasping) THAT one? The one with the VCast?

 

Me: Yeah, I don’t know. I guess. VCast. Sounds good. Let’s do it. (getting up…)

 

Him: Wait! (pulling me back down) Did you see the Navigator option?

 

Me: Nope! But sounds good! Let’s lock it down!

 

Him: (slightly panicking) Do you even CARE if we get unlimited texting?

 

Me: Not really. You ready?

 

Him: But if we go with the Premium package, we get {blah, blah, blar blar diddly blar}! And if we went with your standard plan, we’d only get {blither blather blither blather}!

 

Me: Mmm. I see your point. Let’s do that.

 

Him: DO WHAT?

 

Me: The blither blather thing you said.

 

Him: But that one doesn’t have 3MB of {bippity boppity bippity blah}!

 

Me: Do we need 3MB of bippity boppity bippity blah?

 

Him: No! But 3MB! That’s a lot! In case we do need it.

 

Me: Are you or are you not the man who still has all the manuals for your 1991 Tandy computer because they might come in handy one day?

 

Him: {sheepishly} I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

Me: Honey, we don’t need 3MB of bippity boppity. {closing eyes and pointing} Let’s just go with this plan here.

 

Him: {sighing} Fine. But now we need to pick our phones.

 

Me: Oh crap. OK, but let’s make this fast.

 

Him: These are our phones we’re talking about here! Our lifelines! Our links to the world — and to EACH OTHER. What do you mean — make it fast?

 

{spend the next hour touching, testing and holding dozens of phones. The Rock examines each one for optimum fingerpad circumference, LCD brightness and tonal clarity. I follow him around and point out the shiny ones.}

 

Me: {whining} Are we done yet? I’m real hungry and my knees are burned.

 

Him: What? Are you talking about?

 

Me: {babbling} I had my laptop on my knees, see. And I’m suffering from most probably severe radiation burns…

 

Him: {interrupting} Radiation burns! Right. Are these phones coated with an anti-radiation titanium shell? I’ll need to consult each one’s owner manual.

 

Me: Honey? Can we just get a phone and a plan and go?

 

Him: Babe! I’m doing this for us! The proper phone will save us time and money! And…{he says, reading from the manual} …port to any 3G network!

 

Me: What’s a 3G network?

 

Him: 3? G? A network? It ports there? Hello?

 

Me: You don’t know, do you?

 

Him: No. But can we get it?

 

Me: Sure, let’s get it and GO!

 

Him: OK. In a minute. I’ve just got to pick out my Bluetooth earpiece, keyboard cover, screen shield, phone case and vehicle charger.

 

Me: {slowly being eaten alive by radiation sickness as my stomach lining sloughs off from lack of nourishment} Are you kidding me?

 

Him: OK. Now do I want the blue, green, silver, black, white, red, or gray earpiece…? Or the plaid? And don’t EVEN get me started on those anti-glare keyboard covers…And of course I’ll need to see the schematics for all this equipment…

 

And that’s when I fled the store on my irradiated kneecaps.

 

p.s. The Rock’s due diligence yielded two great phones and the perfect plan. Left to my own devices, I’d have ended up with two paper cups connected by string. Or a combo cell phone/missile launcher/photo scanner.

 

Share this:

  • Facebook
  • X

July 27, 2010 · 48 Comments

Sure I’d love to see you again

Previous Post: « PROMPTuesday #116: The Voice Within
Next Post: One Born Every Minute »

Reader Interactions

Leave a ReplyCancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Comments

  1. Jenn @ Juggling Life says

    July 10, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    I don’t even go to the store anymore–just decide and bring it home for me. If I don’t know what’s out there I have no idea what I’m missing.

    Gorgeous necklace–where it next Friday?

    Reply
  2. Jenn @ Juggling Life says

    July 10, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    OMG! Wear not where.

    Reply
  3. Cheri @ Blog This Mom! says

    July 10, 2008 at 10:52 pm

    Can you just let me know what phone you got so I can get it too and not have to spend time deciding because I’d rather spend time burning my knees with my laptop? Thanks.

    Reply
  4. Hen says

    July 11, 2008 at 12:24 am

    I was struggling to keep up there….I’d stick with the paper cups!

    Reply
  5. lauralovesart says

    July 11, 2008 at 2:11 am

    lol…that was hilarious! and btw…you’ve been tagged by me!
    http://lauralovesart.wordpress.com/2008/07/11/tag-youre-it/

    ~Laura

    Reply
  6. Steph says

    July 11, 2008 at 2:30 am

    Okay, I want you to picture that same scenario, only both people doing the picking are like The Rock. :grin:

    Anyway, HILARIOUS…also? I could explain the different cell networks, if you want. Heh.

    Reply
  7. bekkah says

    July 11, 2008 at 3:27 am

    Years ago I resigned myself to the fact that ANY electronics purchase in this house, regardless of how simple the item, will require at least a month of intense debate and research.

    We spent less time picking out paint for all of the rooms in our home AND while car shopping?!?!

    Usually, by the time we actually BUY said item, I’m so annoyed by the thought of it that I want nothing to do with it…all part of his master plan I’m sure.

    Boys will be boys :)

    Reply
  8. matteroffactmommy says

    July 11, 2008 at 3:52 am

    evidently, we’re married to the same man. i, too could give a crap about that kind of thing and never join my husband on his trips to purchase new electronics. because i just stand there and say, “yeah, sounds good. buy it. let’s go.” when my husband goes by himself, i just sit AT HOME pissed off that he’s been at the cingular store for 3 hours…

    Reply
  9. bejewell says

    July 11, 2008 at 6:29 am

    How many times have I had that exact conversation (okay, not EXACTLY, but close enough) with my husband? Hint: A LOT.

    Are we sure that your husband and my husband are not the same person? Has anyone seen them in the same room together?

    Reply
  10. Green Girl says

    July 11, 2008 at 7:34 am

    Brilliant! Cans and string, girl. I say do it!

    Reply
  11. Karen says

    July 11, 2008 at 7:58 am

    If we were buying a computer, I would totally be the Rock. Cell phones, though…. we’re both imbeciles. here’s how it goes for me (by myself, he won’t go to the VZ store):

    Me: Give me three free phones and the cheapest family plan with unlimited texting.

    VZ Guy: Well, let me tell you about blah blah blah.

    Me: GIVE ME THREE FREE PHONES AND THE CHEAPEST FAMILY PLAN WITH UNLIMITED TEXTING.

    VZ Guy: Well, if you insist….

    Reply
  12. Momma Mary says

    July 11, 2008 at 8:09 am

    Ah, the verizon store. It takes a billion hours of waiting to get anything done, even if you walk in KNOWING what you want. So long, in fact, that I bring my child. Because nothing inspires the people to hurry like a whiney toddler.

    Reply
  13. Mark Salinas says

    July 11, 2008 at 8:29 am

    Not bad! :)

    Reply
  14. kate says

    July 11, 2008 at 8:36 am

    i so needed this this morning, laughing and laughing and laughing.

    Reply
  15. ilinap says

    July 11, 2008 at 9:48 am

    Honestly, I’m tempted to just got a trac phone. What happened to the days of a dial princess phone with one line?

    Reply
  16. Marielle says

    July 11, 2008 at 9:58 am

    Love this post! We have a much more simplistic shopping method. I have one question for the sales rep, which is: “can it be permanently implanted into my husband’s body somewhere?” so that I can avoid his only question, which is: “honey, have you seen my cell phone?”

    Reply
  17. Melanie says

    July 11, 2008 at 10:01 am

    I will expect to see this model of cellular technology next week. I hope your knees are better by then. You may want to look into this.

    Reply
  18. pajama momma says

    July 11, 2008 at 10:33 am

    hahahaha, I loved this. He sounds like he really cares and enjoys making informed decisions.

    However, I would prolly would not enjoy shopping for a home with him very much.

    Much the same as I don’t enjoy it with my hubby. I see potential He sees the house falling down with the next strong wind.

    I see an easy fix with a paint job. He sees all the holes that will need to be fixed before we can paint.

    I see a really cute vintage bathroom. He sees a $5000 plumbing bill.

    I see the English tea garden or the tropical paradise w/pool on our 1/3 of an acre, he sees what he has to mow on the weekends.

    Reply
  19. "THE ROCK" says

    July 11, 2008 at 10:34 am

    ROCKLESS-Deb choosing phone/car:

     

    Verizon salesman- “This phone has one touch dial to Macys, injects botox, and channels Oprah directly to your cerebral cortex for the low, low price of $5 month—-fine print (airtime charges between 12:02am and 11:59pm billed at $5 second; roaming charges apply outside of store)

     

    Deb- “Awesome, I’ll take two”

     

    Car salesman – “This car has direct bluetooth link to all members of the Indigo Girls, has dropdown makeup visor complete with seven different brushes and applicators, and mood paint. fine print– (odometer was turned off at 3,000,000 million miles; car powered by Mayan gold ingots)

     

    Deb to salesman–“Do you like chocolate or vanilla frozen yogurt?

     

    Salesman–“Chocolate?”

     

    Deb–“Good answer, I’ll take the car”

    Reply
  20. manager mom says

    July 11, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    THAT was AWESOME. I have had many similar conversations but thankfully not the nuclear knees…

    Reply
  21. Cocktail Maven says

    July 11, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    This is SO FUNNY! My hubby likes to do a certain amount of research, too, but he loses interest fairly quickly. I’m afraid in this scenario, I’m the one who would be deeply immersed in the details, though. (Smiling sheepishly). I tend to make spreadsheets before I even get to the store. . .

    I know. It’s wierd.

    Reply
  22. Cocktail Maven says

    July 11, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    I mean “weird”. . . Like my spelling.

    Reply
  23. San Diego Momma says

    July 11, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    Oh Oh. My husband found my blog.
    :)

    Reply
  24. stephanie (bad mom) says

    July 11, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    We clearly live identical lives; I’m sorry. But the good news is, in the end we have the most amazing phones and/or cars the universe provides. Although we can’t eat them or use them to salve our burnt knees.

    Maybe your husband can become the next funny guy in cyberspace; Stu’s getting lonely.

    Reply
  25. pajama momma says

    July 11, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    If that was really your hubby SDM, he’s hysterical.

    Reply
  26. mami Jen says

    July 11, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    SO TRUE! I’ve been there, except for the pain on my knees.

    Reply
  27. myra says

    July 11, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    I’m sorry. I have to take the Rock’s side on this one. I have the 3G thingy. Although I’m not sure what it’s for either. I just like knowing it’s there. But I have to say, that Botox phone sounds awesome!

    Reply
  28. Da Goddess says

    July 11, 2008 at 7:59 pm

    I’m with Deb on the paper cups and string.

    I need a phone to make phone calls. I do not need to read my email while I’m shopping or having my hair done. NOTHING is that damn important. I do not need to film the latest Star Wars Trek Man pre-sequel, nor do I need to play Ansel Adams with my cell phone.

    I do not need the phone to finish my term paper, to feed my child, to wash my dishes (okay, maybe the dishes thing), walk the iguana, or to solve world hunger.

    If I can’t live without a movie or tv show while I’m driving from point A to point B, I shouldn’t be on the road.

    I don’t need to download and play the latest Mario Legends of City Wars on my phone.

    I do not need to discover the next great rock icon on my cell phone.

    I need my cell phone to get good reception and to communicate briefly with people.

    That is all.

    Reply
  29. vered says

    July 12, 2008 at 3:06 am

    I bet The Rock could have written a very similar post about clothes shopping.

    :-)

    Reply
  30. Jamie says

    July 12, 2008 at 8:16 am

    Aloe vera works for the radiation burn. I’ve got it too.

    And … what did you end up with? Let me guess, pink swarovsky crystals? No? Didn’t think so.

    Reply
  31. Deborah says

    July 12, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    Can’t relate to either person in the scenario…my husband wouldn’t even go (and quite frankly I wouldn’t want him to because it would distract me) and I’d choose the one with the best features that didn’t break the bank and be in and out in a flash…oh, wait a minute, that sounds a teensy bit like you!

    Unless of course I’m choosing one for one of my teenagers (I don’t want them to go with me either. God only knows what I’d end up with after they’ve whined at me)and then I have to choose the one most aerodynamically designed for maximum texting fluidity. Nothing else, just that.

    Loved your imagery. The whole thing was too funny!

    Reply
  32. Jennifer H says

    July 12, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    But the missile launcher/photo scanner would be awesome.

    I was the last person in the world to buy a camera with a phone. And I only did it because there weren’t any without cameras.

    Reply
  33. Tootsie Farklepants says

    July 12, 2008 at 10:52 pm

    I’ve got a little something for you.

    Reply
  34. mommypie says

    July 14, 2008 at 8:12 am

    Oh Lawdy, just reading that made me go, “Rock, whatever you want, Babe. You pick.”

    I so love it when people just make decisions like that FOR me. :)

    Reply
  35. nataliekaren says

    July 27, 2010 at 8:47 am

    oh my gosh this would be sad if it weren’t so funny… Sad only because I’m the Rock and you’re my hubby!!

    http://paperflora2.blogspot.com
    http://www.etsy.com/shop/PaperFlora
    http://twitter.com/PaperFlora2

    Reply
  36. foolery says

    July 27, 2010 at 9:29 am

    You mean I have to do this all AGAIN soon? CRAP! Can I call your husband to do it for me? I’ll bake him a cake . . .

    Reply
  37. Theresa says

    July 27, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Oh boy, I see what you mean. Can you just tell him to surprise you?

    Reply
  38. Jennifer says

    July 27, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Now that I have a man again I just laughed all over again reading this post. It’s been happening all the time and will continue I’m sure. Now I’m just going to have to try very hard not to laugh when it does. Which wouldn’t be so bad when normally I end up irritated and just wanting to go home.
    Gatta love the man!

    Reply
  39. La Jolla Mom says

    July 27, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Pick out your phone in advance. Maybe bring a flask if you HAVE to go to the store with him.

    Reply
  40. Jack says

    July 27, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    I’d be more than happy to make all elelectronic decisions on my own. Don’t mind doing the research-in fact I find it to be quite enjoyable. It is worth a little time to get it right.

    Reply
  41. L.A. Stylist Mom says

    July 27, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    You said Tandy. But he *is* The Rock. Everything’s a trade off…xox

    Reply
  42. Stefanie says

    July 27, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    DUDE. What. Phone. Did. You. Get?

    Also. I have hives.

    Reply
  43. Everyday Mama says

    July 27, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    I can’t stop laughing…to even type. Just get the phone already!

    Reply
  44. Cheryl says

    July 27, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    I have LIVED THIS! This is why the Verizon store is to me what a silver cross is to Dracula! Love it!

    Reply
  45. Candice says

    July 27, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    You know what’s funny about this? That man you married is me. It took me a really long time to buy my phone and then when I decided (at least I did that before I went into the store), I was worried there would be a new better soon. What can I say I’m a electronics geek.

    Reply
  46. Christina says

    July 28, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    The Rock found your blog. Love it.

    You two sound like us.

    That’s why I go to Mac/Apple.. whatever it’s called. Everything is bright, shiny and they can TOTALLY read your mind.

    Reply
  47. jessica says

    August 20, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    was he there when you bought the piece of shit you have now?

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Tweets that mention San Diego Momma » Blog Archive » Mars and Venus Visit The Planet Verizon, Redux -- Topsy.com says:
    July 27, 2010 at 9:28 am

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by San Diego Momma, Denise V.. Denise V. said: That was awesome. RT @sandiegomomma: God help me. I'm going back in. http://bit.ly/baFR8G […]

    Reply

Primary Sidebar

I love words. Every one, every time. (Except “moist.” That word can go.) …read more

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Sure. I’d love to see you again.

Categories

Archives

San Diego Momma
Dammit, I loathe the #blessed hashtag but… Dammit, I loathe the #blessed hashtag but…
We tried to get the skyline but missed the eyeline We tried to get the skyline but missed the eyeline…! ;)
I want this to be the cover of my memoir. Titled “Where’d the magic go?” Or just “WTF?”
I come across these old diary entries every few ye I come across these old diary entries every few years or so after cleaning out drawers. Makes me fall in love with my inner child all over again!
We so Tuscan! #Temecula We so Tuscan! #Temecula
Funnest birthday/holiday celebration yesterday! Vi Funnest birthday/holiday celebration yesterday! Visited Del Mar’s shops, businesses, restaurants and bars for the Village’s annual Taste and Sip with closest pals. Highlights: learning about Mezcal at @enfuegocantina, sampling new @lalospirits tequila, catching the sunset at @monarchdelmar, amazing ceviche at @coya_peruvian_secret, and the most delicious gluten-free birthday cake from @shanjo! Recommend this for next year - was the best best most good time.
Meet “The Neighbors”, a hilarious new sitcom c Meet “The Neighbors”, a hilarious new sitcom coming soon to a suburb near you. (Not really.)
#annualholidayparty
  • About
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2025 · Hello Chicky