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San Diego Momma

Sharing some humor, a bit of writing and way too much information

Home / Etcetera / Don’t Hire Me for Your Ad Campaign

Don’t Hire Me for Your Ad Campaign

Etcetera

My husband is a tile and stone contractor whose work is so famously awesome he’s had amazing jobs for 20 years strictly by word of mouth. I mean, he’s good. We’re talkin’ San Diego Home of the Year stuff. Classy, reputable shizz. However, with the recent economic slump, he’s found it necessary to do a little advertising. So…we’ve sent out newsletters, had new business cards printed (thanks @vpg_printing!), and placed signage on our family vehicles. Really nice, posh signage in a bright, fabulous color you can’t miss. Also, everything is spelled correctly in a readable, striking font. Like I said. Real grade A stuff.

 

I’d take a picture of it, but I’m no longer allowed near the car.

 

See it’s important to represent the business in respectable, somewhat elegant, non-lame ways, and so when I drive our SUV with the “KW Tile and Stone” prominently displayed, I am aware that I must be on my best behavior. Not speeding for instance. Or flipping people the fuck bird. Or eating a bean burrito while dialing my pimp.

 

Important, non-offensive things like that.

 

Also, I must be eye-catching and MILFey, so people will be enticed to look at the driver of the auto, then let their eyes sensually drift down to see the signage. Like a sexy, but ultimately frustrating, bait and switch.

 

And sadly, I have failed at all of these things.

 

Most recently, I was in the midst of cooking some turkey ridiculousness that called for chipotle peppers. Well, I only had serrano chilis, which is a whole different ball of searing hot wax. So I called my friend a few streets over and asked if she had some chipotle peppers I could borrow. Sure enough she did and told me to come right over to pick them up. And here’s the rub: Although it was 5PM on a Sunday, I was not washed, dressed, coiffed, or brushed. I looked like Keith Richards 50 years from now. In addition, I had just worked out and had Toots’ orange polka dot headband securely fastened to my crazy straw hair with butterfly clips. No makeup was a given.

 

I guess I kinda thought I wouldn’t look like complete hell, because I don’t know? My eyes are sightless marbles?

 

And so I went. Got right in that car with the classy signage and drove the few streets to my friend’s house. But here’s the thing about my neighborhood: People are out ALL THE TIME. And everyone knows everyone. And if you drive a car with bright yellow signage? They especially know you.

 

Word. As I drove into my friend’s driveway, her next-door neighbors and their entire extended family sat on lawn chairs in the front yard, staring shamelessly at my Courtney-Love-on-a-drug-binge face. Of course, knowing I had to get out of the car in my droopy butt sweats and braless sweat tee, I shouted maniacally for my friend’s son to come out of the house NOW! OH MY GOD, STAT! and bring me the chipotle peppers so I didn’t have to disembark the car. Thankfully, he complied and as I drove away with my peppers, I did a bizarre suburban-Crips fist pump and shouted to the neighbors:

 

“KW Tile and Stone! Way to represent!”

 

If by “represent,” I mean resemble a coke whore moron.

 

Which is why I’m not allowed to drive the SUV again.

 

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July 15, 2010 · 20 Comments

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Comments

  1. Cheri @ Blog This Mom! says

    July 15, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    WTF? No photo?

    Reply
  2. Cheri @ Blog This Mom! says

    July 15, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    P.S. ILY. AAL.

    Reply
  3. Da Goddess says

    July 15, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Yeah, where’s the photo?!

    And come on, you’re gorgeous…you can get away with that sort of thing. Me? Nooooo.

    Reply
  4. Stefanie says

    July 15, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Please pass the tissue because I am crying tears of hilarity over here. That shit is funny.

    Reply
  5. Cocktail Maven says

    July 15, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    OMG! This took me 10 minutes to read because I was laugh/crying SO HARD halfway through, I had to wait until my vision cleared. You may be the funniest woman I’ve ever met, my dear.

    Reply
  6. Rima says

    July 15, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    This was hilarious! And made me really glad I don’t have to advertise my husbands’ medical practice on the side of my car!

    Reply
  7. Me says

    July 16, 2010 at 8:16 am

    You are so freakin funny!!!

    Reply
  8. Jess says

    July 16, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Butt Sweats is the name of my new band.

    Reply
  9. San Diego Momma says

    July 16, 2010 at 8:27 am

    Butt Sweats is brilliant. I would listen to the Butt Sweats and buy their music.

    Reply
  10. Stacy Traynor says

    July 16, 2010 at 9:12 am

    You are so freakin’ hilarious! Love it!!

    Reply
  11. Crystal says

    July 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Holy POO! That was funny missy! “suburban-Crips fist pump”??

    That’s like me throwing the white girl ‘west side’ gang side whilst dancing to ‘California Love’ in da club. ;)

    Reply
  12. Crystal says

    July 16, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Holy POO! That was funny missy! “suburban-Crips fist pump”??

    That’s like me throwing the white girl ‘west side’ gang sign whilst dancing to ‘California Love’ in da club. ;)

    Reply
  13. Crystal says

    July 16, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    I love double posting.

    Reply
  14. green girl in Wisconsin says

    July 16, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Oh no! This is why I drive an anonymous, dented, tan Momvan. The pressure!

    Reply
  15. MissM says

    July 17, 2010 at 6:11 am

    The only thing I could advertise on our cars would be my husbands brain… I could plaster a big picture of grey matter on the side :) I love love love this story! Made me laugh out loud!

    Reply
  16. Mama Mary says

    July 18, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    1) You are MILFey
    2) What are chipotle peppers and why did someone happen to have them in their fridge (or cabinet or wherever you keep these things of which you speak).
    3) Totally freaking hilarious post.

    Reply
  17. San Diego Momma says

    July 19, 2010 at 8:57 am

    1) Did you mean Goofley?

    2) Chipotle peppers lend a smoky taste to meals that I end up ruining with too many chipotle peppers. My friend makes this turkey dish (w/black beans, etc.) with the peppers and so always has them on hand. They come in a can. Or at least hers do.

    3) OK.

    Reply
  18. Common ¢ents Mama says

    July 20, 2010 at 7:17 am

    That is freakin hysterical!
    I’m getting a vehicle wrap done for the back window of our super-no-longer-sexy 95 Ford Exploder (at least its eddie bauer edition) to advertise one of our many businesses, and all I keep thinking about is that I am so not the best person to be driving it. I’m completely impatient and a bit cranky at times. My biggest fear is that I’m going to piss someone off and they will hunt me down… Or I could go out in public in my it’s-laundry-day best. So ummm…scary. Would have to go for the Mom I’d Like to Run Away From (MILRAF) title.
    You crack me up!

    Reply
  19. Mel says

    August 13, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    OMG… you crack me up!!

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Tweets that mention San Diego Momma » Blog Archive » Don’t Hire Me for Your Ad Campaign -- Topsy.com says:
    July 15, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by San Diego Momma and soapdivine, Stefanie Mullen. Stefanie Mullen said: I bet the phone is ringing off the hook. RT @sandiegomomma I'm getting why my husband doesn't want me to p*mp his biz. http://bit.ly/aGbnE2 […]

    Reply

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