Part 1: The Prologue
(Thursday, Jan. 22, 9PM. I am at a Cocktails in Historic Places event, sitting alone at a table, nursing wine and texting The Rock. Please note that I did not publish his responses, requiring you to use your super powers of deduction to fill in the blanks.
Footnote: Rhonda is The The Rock’s ex-girlfriend from 15 years ago that he hasn’t talked to or seen for going on 10 years.
So he says.)
Today is Rhonda’s birthday.
I am hungry, r u?
OK, u texting acronym aficiando
Part II: The Progression
(January 23, the afternoon. Sitting at kitchen table engaged in a one-way Twitter breakdown. Note how I talk exclusively about edible consumables, with the exception of the two seconds I stole from my busy food schedule for odor and current event acknowledgement.)
Part III: The Free Fall
(Jan. 23, later in the afternoon. Again, I am texting The Rock. Again, I will only publish my side of the conversation to protect the ignorant.)
Please come home. I feel weird.
I just ate 15 Pamprin with chocolate sauce. It’s all going to be OK.
Can we go Outback Steakhouse tonight for a bloomin’ onion?
I WANT A BLOOMIN’ ONION.
And a steak.
There’s no m, a, or b in yes.
That’d be wise.