• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • About
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • San Diego Momma
  • Nav Social Menu

    • Email
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter
San Diego Momma

San Diego Momma

Sharing some humor, a bit of writing and way too much information

Home / Etcetera / The Twists, The Turns

The Twists, The Turns

Etcetera

“Mommy? Do you love me?”

 

I cringe. Not because I hate the question, but because I hate she has to ask it.

 

I used to ask my mom the same thing, over and over again, every day, and I never received a satisfactory answer. Seems my daughter isn’t either.

 

I’d always thought my mom was too guarded, too closed, too unaffectionate to give me the love I craved, but now I’m beginning to think my constant need for reassurance were — is it possible? genetic.

 

As a child, I was painfully unsure of my lovableness, much like I am now. I was raised by a mom who was underconfident herself and a dad who made sport of teasing us. He didn’t mean any harm, but he didn’t affirm me, so busy was he poking and pushing my buttons.

 

I overcompensate with my own children. I slather love on them daily. I snuggle, kiss, hug and rock. I’m often reprimanded by my oldest that I’m “smooshing her,” but I can’t help it. I love my kids something awful. But some days, I think it’s more about me, than them. I crave overt validation, I push and push as if I can force them to love me back.

 

Either way, despite my best efforts at constant loving, my four-year-old is as I was, or am.

 

So I’ve been giving a lot of thought to where and how we end up these days. What makes us who we are, what we become, that kind of thing. It’s nothing new, but now with two children of my own, I am painfully aware that every little thing can have an impact on them. And that despite everything we do, sometimes a trait is just imprinted in our DNA.

 

Like I said, I always imagined I was a product of my environment. Up until recently, I believed with every fiber that I didn’t get enough love as a child. But after hearing Toots ask me the same question — Do you love me? — that I did as a kid (and still do as an adult, God help me), I think maybe despite my far-reaching validation and daily affirmation of her beauty, her lovability, her herness, just maybe, she’s going to be like me.

 

And I hate it. I don’t want that for her. I want her to be comfortable in her skin. To not need to be loved, or at the very least, to not care. To be herself and let the chips fall where they will. To be confident and secure. My heart breaks when I see myself in her. Other things — my love for the spooky, my crazy imagination, my empathy — she can keep. But that insecurity? I want to break it wide open, scatter the pieces to far corners, sweep them up and throw them the hell away.

 

It’s not as if she sees my insecurity. I’m not a role model for it. First of all, I’ve come a long way, and feel much stronger and valid than ever before. Secondly, I’m hyper aware that what she sees is what she does. I never let her see me doubt myself or question my right to be loved. Rather, I conduct these things in secret. Sure, I bet some of it seeps through and she picks up on it, but my husband cancels so much out. He’s just as loving as I am, and our girls have no reason to wonder if we love them.

 

So why is Toots asking?

 

I pore over photos of her. Looking for something. So many pictures show a girl with a thousand-mile-stare, an intensity a four-year-old shouldn’t know. I remember this girl. I am this girl. And perhaps I should be thankful that she has a guide, a mom who understands. I can downplay the doubts, pump up the confidence, minimize the thoughts that plague her. Or maybe let them play out, and continue to love her as I do, and know it all turns out OK.

 

Because it does. And she shall.

 

Toots in repose

 

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook

August 2, 2008 · 20 Comments

Sure I’d love to see you again

Previous Post: « Overdue
Next Post: Extra, Extra! »

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Comments

  1. matteroffactmommy says

    August 2, 2008 at 11:25 am

    first, we have the same parents. and i’m not just saying that. i really mean it. my mom never really seemed to “like” being mom, and i my dad lived to give me shit.

    i, too shower my children with affection. but i also see my mom come out in me a lot of the time. the times when it’s HARD to love them… the whining, the bottle-washing, the laundry, the constant clutter of the house. you know what i’m talking about.

    my 4 1/2 yr old son asks me “do you love me?” on occasion and it breaks my heart. what am i doing wrong? is it in HIS DNA too? WTF can i do to turn him into the unflawed human being i want him to be?

    love you, deb. rock on.

    Reply
  2. Csquaredplus3 says

    August 2, 2008 at 11:39 am

    With those blue eyes and that smile, I can’t imagine Toots won’t grow to have the perfect balance of humbleness sprinkled with confidence and strength.

    We all have insecurities. Some season’s in life, they’re just louder than others.

    Reply
  3. Mrs Mogul says

    August 2, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    I never asked my parents if they loved me. We just didnt talk like that.

    Nice photo!!

    Reply
  4. slouching mom says

    August 2, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    i was a kid just like you. just like her. and now i’ve got one too, in Six.

    the fragility of these kinds of children breaks my heart. i want to spare them the emotional pain they’re sure to feel.

    i know.

    Reply
  5. Cheri @ Blog This Mom! says

    August 2, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    You are doing everything JUST RIGHT. She just loves hearing it because you say it so well.

    Reply
  6. Myra says

    August 2, 2008 at 5:29 pm

    There’s no question that Toots knows that she is loved, but who doesn’t like to hear it every now and again? You are an amazing parent. I love reading your perspective on parenting and how you handle tough questions. You are navigating through these waters so well. I think that like me, you’re intent on not repeating some of the mistakes that shaped you. I’m sure you’re accomplishing that goal.

    Reply
  7. foradifferentkindofgirl says

    August 2, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    Your daughter is adorable! This photo is precious!

    I read this trying to recall the type of affection my parents showed my sister and I while we were growing up. I know that we were loved, but I don’t recall ever hearing that. Even now, we never, ever, ever tell each other we love each other, and even when I try, it just is like I’m stumbling over words that sound foreign to me.

    But that only feels that way with them. I am all over the love and the saying how much I love them when I am with my kids and husband, and even with my friends. I’m forever scooping up the boys for hugs and kisses, and I end most phone calls with my friends and we say we love each other.

    My husband has a harder time with it, and I sometimes wonder if it’s fair to chalk that up to the fact that he’s a guy and the whole ‘nature/nurture’ thing, but I do hope our sons grow up feeling secure and comfortable in hearing and expressing affection for us and others.

    Reply
  8. stephanie (bad mom) says

    August 2, 2008 at 9:01 pm

    Funny how I was just visiting this same theme tonight; I craved a certain validation and never really felt it. I’m trying to make sure my kids feel the love & satisfaction & general okayness I missed, but sometimes it does feel like I’m going overboard, smothering them.

    Your babe is darling – that gaze is really intense, huh?

    Reply
  9. Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy says

    August 3, 2008 at 12:16 am

    It’s tough to see our kids exhibit any kind of insecurity. Your girls are great. Smother away.

    Reply
  10. Karen says

    August 3, 2008 at 4:57 am

    Kailtyn (16) asked me this in the car yesterday: “If I decide I just can’t stand Dad anymore and move really far away for, like, 15 years, then move back again, not in the same house but the same town, would you come hang out with me and drink coffee and stuff?”

    I said: “Are you asking me if I would stop loving you if you left?”

    Her: “Yeah, I guess so.”

    Me: “I can NEVER stop loving you, any more than I can stop breathing.”

    But I’m thinking – if she really moved away from me “for, like, 15 years” I would be dead of a broken heart before she found her way back. So, yeah, I totally understand.

    Reply
  11. Kelly@SHE-POWER says

    August 3, 2008 at 4:58 am

    This post really speaks to me because my son is very sensitive and a deep thinker like I am and have always been. He is hurt easily and needs LOTS of love and attention. This used to freak me out because I would remember how hard it was for me growing up being overly sensitive and dreamy and different. I didn’t want that for him. I wanted him to be hardy and confident, the type to barrell his way through anything.

    But I’m slowly coming to see sensitivity and soulfulness is such a gift and just because our kids need more reassurance doesn’t mean they will not grow up with a healthy self esteem. The thing is that unlike you, Toots has parents who will nurture and consistently reassure her sensitive nature so she will grow up knowing her place and her worth and she will not be needy because over the coming years you will be there with your love and show her everything is okay and she will learn to meet her own emotional needs. And that will breed a strong self identity.

    Don’t worry. It’s all good.
    (BTW this is a pep talk for both of our sakes!)

    Kelly

    Reply
  12. mandy says

    August 3, 2008 at 6:15 am

    That’s a very honest post. I suppose I fall in the “needy” category… goodness only knows why. My parents were always affectionate to me and my brother. I suppose it could be genetic. It will be interesting to see how my young ones turn out, if any inherit my propensity to ask or to wonder, “Do you love me?”

    Reply
  13. Jenn @ Juggling Life says

    August 3, 2008 at 11:03 am

    I love how you are so in touch with her.

    My kids have never asked if I loved them; I never thought of it at all before reading this.

    Reply
  14. ilinap says

    August 3, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    This reminds me of my little one. 3-year old Deal always asks me, “Mommy, are you happy with me.” Oh, it crushes me to think he think I am not happy with him. It makes me realize how much I must yell and sound frustrated. I smother my boys with love, and it never feels like enough to truly express to them the overwhelming painful love I feel with every fiber of my being. I think they won’t understand this until they have children of their own.

    Reply
  15. San Diego Momma says

    August 3, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    You all made me feel so much better. Maybe I will turn out normal after all. I mean, Toots. I meant Toots…
    Yeah, that’s it.

    Reply
  16. tinsenpup says

    August 4, 2008 at 5:18 am

    The question might arise from a genetic pre-disposition for insecurity, but the all important difference between you and Toots is that HER mother gives her the right answer every time and often before she even feels the need to ask and her father doesn’t inadvertently, but consistently undermine her confidence. To some extent, she is who she is, but what you do with that will make all the difference in the long term. (IMHO)

    Reply
  17. Green Girl says

    August 4, 2008 at 5:56 am

    She is so adorable! I am like you–loving and hugging and ruffling hair because I don’t remember getting a lot of that and both me and my kids need it.

    Reply
  18. Da Goddess says

    August 4, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    Kids just ask. That’s part of who they are and the things that run through their minds. It hurts us to hear that, thinking we’ve failed them somehow. But we haven’t. They. just. ask. At some point, they stop asking and that’s actually worse.

    Sometimes, I think I overstate my affection for my son. But then again, how is that possible? I mean, I don’t say it in front of his friends or yell it across the playground. I think maybe I worry that I tell him too much because I’m afraid he’ll forget.

    Of course, OUR insecurities are the real issue here and the best we can do is provide constant affirmation of our feelings for our kids while they’re still listening and hope they understand we will always love them. And then we need to get over ourselves.

    Reply
  19. Steph says

    August 4, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    I think, my friend, that this is something kids just ask. Sort of like a status check, maybe? At any rate, you’re a good mom. She’ll be alright.

    Reply
  20. Shelia says

    August 5, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    I can relate to this struggle. I never felt like my mom loved me. I still don’t and I KNOW in my head that she does. She just doesn’t really have the capacity to love if that makes sense.

    I am nearly 43 years old (I have to start practicing saying it a few months in advance), and every night I go to bed with the intense insecurity of wondering if anyone at all loves me or sees me or cares to.

    I deal with it better, acknowledge it for the insecurity that it is, but it still haunts me.

    Toots is lucky to have you b/c you do get it, because you do SEE her, and because you do LOVE her. You two will work together to see that she grows to live securely in your love! I’m confident of that!

    Blessings on your journey. And, can I just say that SHE IS GORGEOUS!

    Reply

Primary Sidebar

I love words. Every one, every time. (Except “moist.” That word can go.) …read more

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Sure. I’d love to see you again.

Categories

Archives

Blogroll

  • Blog This Mom
  • Da Goddess
  • Dirt and Noise
  • Discover San Diego
  • Foolery
  • Juggling Life
  • Mama Mary Show
  • Mel, A Dramatic Mommy
  • Mom Zombie
  • Mommy’s Martini
  • Motherhood is Not for Wimps
San Diego Momma

Footer

Archives

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Categories

sandiegomomma

sandiegomomma
Back in Lake Geneva after 36 years… Circumstance Back in Lake Geneva after 36 years…
Circumstances have changed since post-Prom-picnic-circa-1986-vibes…
#WhereIsBryanAdamsNow
Dorm drop! 🏫👩‍🏫🥲💕 Dorm drop!
🏫👩‍🏫🥲💕
💫Travel poster for Saturday wine tasting.💫 💫Travel poster for Saturday wine tasting.💫
Celebrating the new 16-year-old with a quick Santa Celebrating the new 16-year-old with a quick Santa Monica trip.
And now she knows she doesn’t want to live in LA….
#LifeLessons
It’s happening….. It’s happening…..
Barely tolerating me….. Barely tolerating me…..
Beach day with my “little” one while big sis e Beach day with my “little” one while big sis explores Cal Poly…
Life transitions. Beautiful but I haz the olds.
#NotAboutMe #Whhhhyyyyy
A rare Bubbie sighting. Spotted in the wild. #HeDo A rare Bubbie sighting. Spotted in the wild. #HeDoesntLikePictures
Sunset squad. Brought a picnic and drinks to Del M Sunset squad.
Brought a picnic and drinks to Del Mar and watched the waves and horizon. Not too crowded or cold - another good hang with the neighborhood gang! ❤️❤️
Imprinting 2021 holidays on my brain (and in my In Imprinting 2021 holidays on my brain (and in my Instagram) (and in my antibodies). It’s a COVID New Year’s Eve…
Husband and I down for the count(down).
BUT. We’re doing decent and it’s cozy up in here…
Winery times! Winery times!
Guys on couch watching football; girls in kitchen Guys on couch watching football; girls in kitchen talking about everything.
Smells like a Sunday neighbor night. ;)
Line dancing lessons… My two left feet did nothi Line dancing lessons…
My two left feet did nothing right - but they did it with gusto.
Looking for a new book to read! #BookClub Despite Looking for a new book to read! #BookClub Despite the seeming divine intervention from above, we weren’t struck with the “perfect” next book to put on our list…..
Post-white-water-rafting super exhaustion. (Oh my Post-white-water-rafting super exhaustion.
(Oh my gosh you guys…! No! I’m not a sports model! But I totally understand how you might think so.) 😜😜😜
I wanted my hair to do that. #NordicSisters I wanted my hair to do that.
#NordicSisters
Dad’s hats on the people who loved/knew/laughed/ Dad’s hats on the people who loved/knew/laughed/sang with him.
Miss you Dad. Hope we do your hats justice. Lord knows we’ll have fun in them, just like you did. 😇
Paso Robles! Wine tasting beauty. It’s stunning Paso Robles! Wine tasting beauty. It’s stunning here. And the landscape is nice too ;).
Found my brother’s old ad copy. Good fun-writing Found my brother’s old ad copy. Good fun-writing inspiration...
Just in case I wasn’t feeling ancient enough, th Just in case I wasn’t feeling ancient enough, the rainbow jumper and white bobby socks oughta do it. No but wait! There’s a bowl cut. Annnnnnnddd giant gold-rimmed specs.
#CentennialFashion
Load More... Follow on Instagram
  • About
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2023 · Hello Chicky

We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies.
Do not sell my personal information.
Cookie settingsACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT