I am writing this for Auds’ beautiful daughter, Meg.
For some reason, I never expected to have children, despite Kathy King’s mumbo-jumbo “yarn” trick sophomore year that told me I’d be a mother to 16.
I didn’t think I’d be married, either. I will admit that for awhile there, I DID wonder if maybe that “mother to 16” prediction foresaw I’d be a cat spinster living in a hoarder poo house, waving a kitten tutu in the air while trilling “Come here Mr. Mittenpaws, mummy has something for you.”
But because I really and truly believed I’d be single for the rest of my life — not because I wanted to, and not because I needed to, but because I didn’t think I’d find someone who didn’t bug the living crap out of me on a daily basis — I never planned for the possibility of children. And then I met The Rock and everything changed in a blink.
Within a year, I knew I could marry him and not mind when he talked, breathed, or ate cereal loudly. Three years after that, I knew I wanted to have children with him. But still, I just couldn’t imagine it. Kids? Me? I was in no position to be a role model to anybody. And remembering to feed them would be equally as difficult. Strange, but when I went off the pill, I continued to think it would be a long while before I became pregnant. I regaled The Rock with horror stories of thirty-somethings who put their careers first, then tried to get pregnant to no avail because they had old eggs.
That didn’t work as planned either.
The same month I went off the pill is the same month we conceived Toots.
I couldn’t believe it.
There would be children in our lives! Not ballet cats, children.
The Rock and I weren’t all there was anymore. There would be another and she would be of us and from us and probably not a kitten.
The next few months, I did as moms-to-be do: picked out baby clothes, researched cribs, ate absurd amounts of chocolate. My belly grew and as it swelled, so did my spirit. I shared all my favorites with my baby bean: The Indigo Girls, big breakfasts, and Lifetime TV. We were a team. All three of us.
Then one day, I had an ultrasound at one of those newfangled 3D imaging places. The Rock and I gasped — quite literally — when we saw our little girl’s face. A girl! A face! She’s real! We’re having a baby! A baby! With a face!
OH MY GOD.
That was a turning point for me, for The Rock and I both. Up until then, our minds knew we were having a child, but somehow that idea didn’t take full root in our hearts.
I remembered just then how my mom would stare at us kids when we were growing up. A long, sometimes wistful look full of wonder and I didn’t know what else. Every single one of us four kids protested when we found ourselves on the receiving end of that stare. “Mom!” we’d protest. “Stop it! You’re freaking us out!” She’d look a little sad as she broke her gaze and now I know why.
We didn’t get it. And she knew we never would until we were parents of our own.
From that moment in the ultrasound room when I saw Toot’s face I haven’t stopped looking at her in the same way my mom used to all those years ago.
And the other thing? Next to the wonder? The kind of deep, searing, soul love you’ll never imagine until you feel it yourself.
That love is coming for you, Meg.
And it’s way better than the cat’s meow.
You’ve described it perfectly. I remember leaving an ultrasound thinking, “My baby has HANDS,” and being totally awestruck by the whole thing. I’m five months in as a mom and I’m totally, totally smitten.
I got pregnant at 18, in college, and was still in my sorority-girl-sleeping-in-staying-out-having-fun mode. I still felt like a teenager, except doubly awesome because I didn’t have parents to “boss me around”. I don’t think the reality of adulthood, or motherhood, hit me until I saw my daughter’s ultrasound. It really does change everything about your perspective!
Great, now I’m crying and the dogs are crowded around looking worried. :P
That was a beautiful post, and it hit especially hard since we think I might be pregnant.
Absolutely beautiful! I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Meg has also said over and over again that she would never marry EVER, because everyone bugged the crap out of her, and now here she is happily married. She also promised she’d never have kids and she’s blissfully excited about this little life growing inside her.
Thank you so much for this.
Funny how a little person, one tiny little life can change everything in the world for us.
My kids…they make my heart swell and break and swell again and…sometimes it’s all too much. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Deb, you know what else is funny? I remember you before you got pregnant and how you said you were happy without kids. You were a wonderful writer back then, but now…you’re an even better writer because you’ve been able to tap into something so much deeper as a mother. It’s (forgive my inelegance here) as if you were a lovely pumpkin before and are now a stunningly lit jack-o-lantern.
Kids do that to ya.
Haha, strangely enough our stories are a lot alike. I didn’t think I would find any one and I didn’t think there was any one out there wouldn’t annoy me. Wellll, i found him . . . he eats to loudly but that’s about it with him and the things that irritate me. Then we got married not because I found out I was pregnant (because I didn’t know at the time I was), but because I loved the weirdo. Low and behold haha, I have a bean on the way. Right now, it’s not to fun and I’m excited but, I have a lot to learn and little time to learn it. Stressed, but happy is what you would call it I think.
I’m glad you posted this. It made me smile. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to share some of the things that one day we will have in common :)
-Meg
Yep, you nailed it. The face. No expression in the world quite like it.
So true. And, it does hit home when you see that little one on the first ultrasound. But it doesn’t really click until you hold that little being the first time. I’ve had 3 kids and I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that they came out of me! Craziness. And deep, deep happiness.
*I’d be a cat spinster living in a hoarder poo house, waving a kitten tutu in the air while trilling “Come here Mr. Mittenpaws, mummy has something for you.*
— This is why I love your blog so much!
WAY better!!
I know that “look” because I do it all the time to my kid. Sometimes, I just can’t believe she is here, she’s mine.