Dear Mom:
Do you remember when you and I were driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles in 1996? And I told you that if dad died, I would play Power of Two at his funeral? And you nodded when I told you the lyrics, but also felt a little sad — I could tell — because I didn’t have a song for you. Well, I never imagined you would die first. A scant year later. I mean, DAD. With his diabetes and high blood pressure and hernias and ulcers. And you. With your healthy eating and non-drinking and spiritual fortitude. I didn’t expect it, mom.
I do remember at your death bed. The family playing The Sounds of Medjugorje again and again. Because you loved it so. Even today, I can’t not go deep in my soul whenever I hear it. I see you behind my eyes every time, mom.
I missed you this Christmas more than ever. I’m not sure why. It’s been 13 years. But this year was especially hard. Perhaps because the girls are older and I wish they had you as a grandma. Maybe because someone close to me just said, “I wish I’d met your mom,” and it opened my heart thinking of why he would have loved to know you. I think though that it was because you loved Christmas and the silver angel a friend sent me after you died found its way into my car — I don’t know how — the kids probably, and the year of your death — 1997 — was imprinted upon it and I thought again of you and that hard November and how a wind still blows Artic and heavy when I think of that month back then.
Either way, I think of you. And I want to give you this playlist again. Because Artic and heavy or not, my viscera knows you were my mom and I still warm when I see you in dreams.
The only thing? I’d like to add this song to your playlist. You would have loved it. And I wish I knew in 1996 what I know now.
Your Errant, Conflicted, But Ultimately Deeply-Loving Daughter.
As for you all? This Tuesday? Please make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose the songs.
Please post your submission in the comments OR post in your blog and leave a link to your blog in the comments.
First time to PROMPTuesday? Read a bit about it here. Want to see what’s been written in the past? Catch up on the PROMPTuesdays archive here.
sniff. this just made me tear up and remember why I’m driving to LA tomorrow.. well, that and to get my kid. ;-)
Awww…I used to do mix tapes back in the Olden Days. But never graduated to play lists.
This is so, so beautiful, Deb. And your mom knows.
Also, I’ve always thought November is the cruelest month.
A wonderful post, but so sad.
((hugs))
Thank you.
This post really tugged at my heart strings, Deb. My sister and I were just talking about how different our lives would be if our parents were still around. My mom only met one of my kids. ;(
I know it’s already Thursday and it’s poor form to be answering a “Tuesday” Prompt this late, but like you, I have never been one to stick to rules, unless I agree with them. (BTW, I consider that a character defect, and it has gotten me into trouble in my life, but I now consider it a gift as I am better able to control my rule-following behavior, and now it looks more like creativity. But still…)
Anyway, my letter would be to an eFriend I have in southern CA.
It would start by saying that I have been blessed with many skills and talents, which have allowed me to make many acquaintances in my life, join groups, participate in activities… but inside I have always felt like an outsider. In my forties, after a painful divorce from my wife of 25 years, I figured a lot of stuff out. One of those things is that I married a woman who was very different than I am. I found her and her family interesting, having something I lacked. At first, it worked great, but over time, the differences created irritations, stress, resentment, regrettable actions, divorce.
I would then tell my eFriend that I learned I am an INTJ, by the Myers-Briggs personality typology. That helped me better understand how people are different, and how they see the world. And it helped me recognize people who are more like me. I found one, Princess Gail, and I remarried 4 years later. (She’s an INFJ, close enough!) Things are now groovy.
INTJ’s are few and far between, about 1% of the population. I can recognize them from half a country away, like my friend in southern CA. When I am with people of my own subspecies, I don’t feel like an outsider. I would tell my eFriend that’s how she makes me feel. Despite differences in age and location, I feel like she’s a long-time friend.
Going with the Indigo Girls lead, my playlist song for her would be “Virginia Wolfe.” Like VW, my eFriend is a great writer and “publishes her diary,” she is distant in space-time, she writes with intelligence and creativity, she has a certain sadness and anxiety to which I can relate, like a “letter to my soul.”
Then I would sign it,
Your eFriend,
Ferd.