What Have I, What Have I, What Have I Done to Deserve This?

bob.jpg

 

Hi, I’m Bob.

 

Look, I can’t get me any San Diego Momma lovin’, so I thought I’d come to the blog hole, where she spends every flocking minute and get her to notice me, just pay attention for one minute. I’m dying over here. So I’m going to air our dirty laundry in public. Maybe she’ll listen now.

 

San Diego Momma? Don’t you love me anymore? I just can’t talk to you these days. You never let me vent my feelings, never take out me out for some rock n’ roll or a good tumble, never say “hello” even or “talk dirty to me.”

 

Did I let myself go? I know we made a pact that I wouldn’t get too big, but I need some support here. I’ve still got it, right? That tousled look you fell in love with?

 

bobbody.jpg

 

I’m sorry, there’s just nothing I can do about the pear shape. Or the unfortunate resemblance to Carrot Top.

But you knew that when we met.

 

I’m lonely, San Diego Momma. I sit in the closet all day, filling up with more self loathing and disgust by the minute. I’ve got so much heaped up inside that it stinks, it really stinks.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I fall at your feet, spread myself across the ground you walk on, sprawl on your bed even, but you just push me aside, say “maybe tomorrow.”

 

I’m going to be blunt: You come do me or I’ll tell your husband about us.

 

Ah, I’ve got you now, don’t I? Do you really think he believed that was milk on your collar? And what about the underwear? Don’t you think he wonders why you don’t wear any? That’s right! It’s because I have it all. Every stinkin’ last one.

 

Think about it San Diego Momma. I’m sick of being ignored. You change your ways or I’ll start slinging the mud.

 

And you know I’m good at that.

 

Clean up your act, lady or I’ll sully your good name.

 

Le Sullier (remember when you gave me that nickname? we were in France and you fell in that cowpie?), Bob

 

14 Responses to “What Have I, What Have I, What Have I Done to Deserve This?”

  1. Melissa says:

    LOVE IT!!!! All I can say is, Bob sure gets around!

  2. Da Goddess says:

    Now there’s some fun with laundry I can get behind!

  3. we call mine henrietta… a long name for a long time waiting…

    love this stuff! love the creativity and humor. good times! ;)

  4. Jamie says:

    You are a genius!

    Looking forward to having it rub off on me next week!

  5. Steph says:

    great! I love it when I read morning humor and my friend is calling out to me too!

  6. LisaN says:

    Thank you for the smile this morning………..:)

    BTW, I love the little feet at the bottom.

  7. Jenn says:

    LOL! Very cleaver!

    I am glad Bob is not stalking me right now…my Mother is in town!

  8. Jenn says:

    oops, I meant clever, not cleaver.

  9. mommypie says:

    BAHAHAHAHA
    I should introduce Bob to my Betty. Maybe we could get a whole new wardrobe!

  10. Mommyrella says:

    Oh my gosh! I have a huge grin on my face, because I almost posted my ‘man’ today, but have been doin’ him all afternoon. You are tooo funny!

  11. Mommyrella says:

    By the way, I like totally got the Pet Shop Boys ref, and now I like, totally have them stuck in my head. Ohmygod!

  12. kate says:

    i see your bob and raise you a harry, jim and phil. or as i call them, my big ass moldy laundry piles that i hid in my laundry room when you guys were here.

  13. Cheri says:

    You are a silly one.

  14. myra says:

    you are Nothing Short of Brilliant. thank you for the laugh today.

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