1) Popularity isn’t worth it.

If I have any regret in my life, it’s that I spent so much time and worked so hard to be popular. It consumed me. In fact, I have a whole section in my adolescent diary devoted to “How to Be Popular.” (An especially lame, but earnest tip was “Take Shower Every Day.”) This goal was informed by the Sweet Valley High book series, and once I realized the dream and it was just as I imagined (parties! football games! Prom court!) I didn’t see until much later, that I’d wasted the opportunity to nurture the other things in my life. I lost time with my family. I didn’t pursue my interests, I didn’t personally develop. So many of my “other” interests – writing, for one, sat in the back seat while I focused on which Esprit outfit I’d wear to the Friday night dance. Truth be told, I still have and cherish several of my high school friends, but I wish popularity hadn’t been everything to me. It stilted my development. I didn’t become all I could be. I was too busy shopping.

Most likely, my girls will feel the pull to be popular. I wish with all my heart that they’d know it just doesn’t matter, that what you’re left with is yourself. So work on that instead.

And as an addendum to this point: Be fully yourself. Don’t try to be anyone else because you think it will get you liked, or admired, or laid. Really kids, It’s a waste of time to be anyone but you. Use that time to grow into yourself.

2) Everything always works out.

We play “Three Little Birds” at home a lot. Its key message – “everything little thing is gonna be allright” – is something I want to burrow into my kids’ brains. Because not everything is going to feel allright. But it is all part of the path – even death – and when you’re in the flow of life, you know you’re right where you need to be. I want my kids to truly believe that everything that happens to them are pieces of the mosaic they are becoming, and to know: Every little thing is going to be all right. (Doesn’t mean it won’t hurt sometimes though.)

3) That loving feeling in your heart? That’s God.

Don’t you love how it feels when you’re on the couch, with one kid snuggling next to you, the other curled up to your husband/partner/dog/cat, whose feet/socks/paws you’re touching with your own? That feeling is holy and sacred. I want to teach my kids to nurture that feeling, share it, make other people feel it. That’s God in the everyday. I want my kids to recognize that feeling. Trust in it. Rest in it. Share it.

4) The hard things are worth doing. So are the easy things.

I want to be a writer. But it’s hard – (there’s all the writing, for instance). Writing needs to be done everyday to grow the craft. But what’s the alternative? Wishing, hoping, waiting, regretting? Now that’s hard. So do what you want to do. Work at it. It ain’t gonna be easy. But either is regret.

Then there’s the easy things. Some people are just lovely to be around. Some wonderful things are effortless – maybe writing comes easy to you? (If so, please just shut up about it. Go write your book.) If any of these things give you the happy, peaceful feeling inside, do them. It’s worth it.

5) It’s OK to ask for help.

This is my observation: there’s a shortage of community these days. The connection to church, extended family, neighbors, is frayed. Support networks are hard to find. We can often feel alone with our anxiety, depression, fears. Sometimes it’s even hard to find someone with whom to share our happiness.

So, I search support out. I want my kids to do the same. I want them to know they can always talk to mommy, but if they feel they can’t, I want them to find a pastor, a supportive teacher, a friend’s mother. Someone they can trust.

Also, don’t forget that friends can be a gift. I love my book club, my mom’s group, my small circle of longtime girlfriends to who I can tell anything. You need to tell everything sometimes. And things won’t feel so bad.

Because very little thing really is gonna be all right.